How to Online Date (revisions)

[vanessa]

How Vanessa Online Dates

She scrolls through her camera roll,
picks the photos she looks least tired in.
Filters will hide the designer bags under her eyes.
She brainstorms her bio that only two people will fully read,
opens the App store on her phone, decides what she’s looking for.

If she’s a fan of swiping
and sex, Tinder’s her best bet.
Bios don’t matter much here.
She’ll be funny. She’ll be edgy. But she won’t be honest.
Meet her soulmate she might--
Dave will have smoky eyes,
a chiseled jaw, voice that could calm
a rabid tiger. His hands and soul will be
cracked but his skilled tongue will lure her in
each night. She’ll deplete her tear ducts
when he ghosts her. A friend will later share,
he was just a walking STI.

If she enjoys eye-rolling
pick up lines, OkCupid is next.
Her About Me will read how
she’s a literary enthusiast.
Each morning she’ll wake
to an inbox full of those
mistaking Goliath for Gatsby.
But here Cupid will hook her up--
Bryan will win her with witticisms,
his fingers will hit her G-spot
in a pub parking lot. When it comes
to the naked act, he’ll finish
in five minutes. She’ll try not to laugh.
He’ll get down on one knee four months later
to someone else. Half-erect penis pics
will still be in her messages.

If she’s at the point of adopting
a sixth Corgi, Match is where it’s at.
She and her bank card will have to commit
to this final feat. Anxiety will taunt her when
no one replies back. Her finger will be hovering over
the Unsubscribe button when
Billy pops into her inbox.
His eyes won’t leave hers
while she feasts on spinach and
artichoke dip. He’ll surprise her
with a date to Hillside Farms
because she once texted,
I love llamas and ice cream.
He and his whole family
will sit front row while she
acts in A Christmas Carol.
He’ll make her his grandmother’s
famous meatballs, put aside
a portion of chocolate chip cookie dough
for her as he guides the others into the oven.
On Christmas Eve, he’ll ask her to move in.
Her things will be unpacked three months later.






Double lines; cut hall of the words


Scroll through
camera roll.
Pick photos.
Filters hide
designer bags
under eyes.
Brainstorm bio
Open App store,
decide what
you’re looking for.

On Tinder
bios don’t
matter.
Be funny,
edgy--
not honest.
Dave—
smoky eyes,
chiseled jaw,
rabid-tiger-
calming voice
His hands,
will be
cracked—
skilled tongue
luring you in.
He ghosts
you—deplete
tear ducts.
A friend
later shares,
he was a
walking STI.

On OkCupid,
About Me reads,
literary enthusiast.
Inbox full of
mistaking Goliath
for Gatsby.
Bryan will
win with
witticisms,
fingers hit
G-spot
in pub
parking lot.
He’ll finish
the naked
act in five.
Try not to laugh.
He’ll get down
on one knee
four months
later to
someone else.
Half-erect penis
pics still in
your messages.

On Match
you and
your bank card
will commit.
No replies.
Anxiety taunts.
Finger hovers
over Unsubscribe—
Billy pops
into inbox.
Eyes locked
during spinach dip.
I love llamas
and ice cream.
Surprise date
to Hillside Farms
Front row seat
while you’re in
A Christmas Carol.
Dinner—grandmother’s
famous meatballs.
Dessert—cookie
dough ball
He guides the
rest into the oven.
Three months later,
you’ll move in.

[whoismisterjim]

I know you were discussing 2nd person in your workshop this week, but it's also really powerful to watch the shift that happens here in your revision, just by cutting "she" in your word count pare down. In a lot of ways, you actually did all three suggestions. Tiny shift, but the impact on the poem is dramatic.

[maranda]

Jan 25, 2018 17:52:44 GMT whoismisterjim said:

I know you were discussing 2nd person in your workshop this week, but it's also really powerful to watch the shift that happens here in your revision, just by cutting "she" in your word count pare down. In a lot of ways, you actually did all three suggestions. Tiny shift, but the impact on the poem is dramatic.

Some spots are a bit caveman, but overall this was a really great exercise for this piece. This poem is urgent, I wasnt bored, no area lingered for too long, the short lines push you forward at a good pace. Vanessa did a great job. I was Also just thinking about what could happen in a piece like this if the lines suddenly got longer or details did extend to force a new feeling of lingering. It was interesting to see how the reader’s experience could be manipulated in this poem just by line length and POV.

[vanessa]

Jan 25, 2018 17:52:44 GMT whoismisterjim said:

I know you were discussing 2nd person in your workshop this week, but it's also really powerful to watch the shift that happens here in your revision, just by cutting "she" in your word count pare down. In a lot of ways, you actually did all three suggestions. Tiny shift, but the impact on the poem is dramatic.

It is interesting to see what that does for the poem. I was determined to go from 364 words to 180 something. When I had to choose, I kept the verbs versus the pronouns. It’s effective this way.

[vanessa]

Jan 25, 2018 22:14:34 GMT maranda said:

Jan 25, 2018 17:52:44 GMT whoismisterjim said:

I know you were discussing 2nd person in your workshop this week, but it's also really powerful to watch the shift that happens here in your revision, just by cutting "she" in your word count pare down. In a lot of ways, you actually did all three suggestions. Tiny shift, but the impact on the poem is dramatic.

Some spots are a bit caveman, but overall this was a really great exercise for this piece. This poem is urgent, I wasnt bored, no area lingered for too long, the short lines push you forward at a good pace. Vanessa did a great job. I was Also just thinking about what could happen in a piece like this if the lines suddenly got longer or details did extend to force a new feeling of lingering. It was interesting to see how the reader’s experience could be manipulated in this poem just by line length and POV.

That’s a good idea, Maranda. Thanks! I’ll play around with some of the lines to see if I can get that lingering feeling across.