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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 18:42:16 GMT
“Dawn Teams Up With Bounty and the
Chinese and Iranian Governments to Spread
Messages of Hope and Community Building”
Brainiacs solve tough equations, tycoons cross fishy boundaries. Tanker Sanchi and the CF Crystal’s collision make fire on the surface of the sea.
Snaking through welders’ gratitude through protestors’ charter buses, Bleeding Sanchi gushes Exxon Valdez magnitude− Sucked up spit out, death has many uses.
Twenty-nine crewmembers succumb to Mother Oceana’s force. Birds fly, humpback whale pods sing warnings through toxic plumes. Life migrates along endangered paths−stays the course.
Cut words by half:
176-->88
rhyme scheme |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 25, 2018 1:10:25 GMT
Ugh I am a ding dong. I did two of these to one revision. Derp. That was hard! Damn rhyming scheme.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 25, 2018 17:41:39 GMT
Ugh I am a ding dong. I did two of these to one revision. Derp. That was hard! Damn rhyming scheme. The rhyme scheme really changes the tempo of the poem. That final couplet stretches time a bit and plays with slant rhyme, but you're keeping to the spirit of the exercise. |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 25, 2018 18:52:39 GMT
I tried to do a strict syllable count:
8
8
13
10
I wanted to end on a couplet but then that messed up the word count so I scrapped it.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 28, 2018 18:48:29 GMT
My revision was a combo like this one. I though that's what we were supposed to do. I miss those lines not being in the poem which are now in the title. I thought that they were snarky and inspired. With these lines being in the title, it's like we get the pay-off of the original poem at the beginning, before we even read the piece, so I think it casts a shadow over the words that follow.
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