|
|
Post by shailen scott on Jan 24, 2018 16:13:19 GMT
Revision:
I should dress white enough
pared down and relaxed enough
to placate black eyes and white lies,
subtle enough
in my coffee heavily creamed
toffee caramel steamed,
modern enough
twist to this tale as old as time
cliché as played out as rhyme.
I am black and white
contrary and contrite
beast and beauty,
never enough.
Original:
Dress white enough
pared down and relaxed enough
to placate black eyes and white smiles,
subtle enough
in that coffee heavily creamed,
modern enough
twist to this tale as old as time.
Black and white
beast and beauty,
still never quite enough.
|
|
|
|
Post by chello on Jan 24, 2018 17:57:20 GMT
i still really like the original, however with the edit strangely it feels like i need more.
|
|
|
|
Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 24, 2018 21:16:34 GMT
In the revised version, I sort of wondered about the rhyme because presently it's:
"I should dress white enough
pared down and relaxed enough
to placate black eyes and white lies,
subtle enough
in my coffee heavily creamed
toffee caramel steamed,
modern enough
twist to this tale as old as time
cliché as played out as rhyme.
I am black and white
contrary and contrite
beast and beauty,
never enough."
There are three pairs of end line rhymes, which in the first pair I thought was really effective, though I'm not so sure about the other two. The word "enough" also arises 5 times, which with only 13 lines feels like alot especially when read out loud. I get that the feeling is supposed to be repetitious to bring home the point, but also I think elaborating more on what "enough" feels like and looks each time, as it might be a little different each time, could be interesting.
|
|
|
|
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 25, 2018 18:16:17 GMT
The word "enough" also arises 5 times, which with only 13 lines feels like alot especially when read out loud. I get that the feeling is supposed to be repetitious to bring home the point, but also I think elaborating more on what "enough" feels like and looks each time, as it might be a little different each time, could be interesting. How would you suggest expanding on "enough" here? |
|
|
|
Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 26, 2018 14:16:05 GMT
The word "enough" also arises 5 times, which with only 13 lines feels like alot especially when read out loud. I get that the feeling is supposed to be repetitious to bring home the point, but also I think elaborating more on what "enough" feels like and looks each time, as it might be a little different each time, could be interesting. How would you suggest expanding on "enough" here? I'm imagining that each "enough" is just slightly more annoyed, frustrated, and exacerbated than the one before it. You see some of that frustration in lines like: "subtle enough in my coffee heavily creamed toffee caramel steamed," I don't think we necessarily need the "enough" there because the description that follows, to me, explains the "enough." I think more of those moments might be useful, or to cut out some of the uses of "enough" and re-read to see if it still flows. |
|
|
|
Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 28, 2018 18:20:02 GMT
There is something about the description of this dress that makes it seem strangling... which in ways, I kind of imagine all conventional weddings to be, lol. Shailen could really play with the ridiculous tropes of weddings and how it's all about putting on a show, keeping up with and pleasing social norms and ideals.
|
|
