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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 23, 2018 17:14:45 GMT
Stick to Smallness
I’m off work.
Not sure of your plans
tonight...
Poor thing.
I stop racing for a
moment to respond.
Uncle dying in CA.
Trying to fly my
mom out to say goodbye.
So sorry.
I tack the apology on
like a flyer to a bulletin,
stapled over and over.
Tiny pin marks
spread to form
delicate craters.
So sorry, she repeats.
Condolences and hugs.
I’ll feel the love later,
return the hugs in a
few months.
Thank you
It won’t do to
say that I miss her.
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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 23, 2018 17:25:41 GMT
One question I have is about the lines,
"So sorry.
I tack the apology on"
The "I" following the dialogue then confused me about who was sending/receiving what messages. Based off the previous stanza of saying specifically that the "I" responds and then "she repeats" in the following stanza, I can assume that the "so sorry" is from the other person, but I think it could be a little clearer. I thought the last stanza was interesting. "It won't do to" feels more formal than the rest of the poem and I wonder why the speaker feels that way about saying that they miss this other person.
With all that being said, I really enjoyed the imagery in the fourth stanza, especially,
"Tiny pin marks
spread to form
delicate craters."
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 15:39:30 GMT
One question I have is about the lines, "So sorry. I tack the apology on" The "I" following the dialogue then confused me about who was sending/receiving what messages. Based off the previous stanza of saying specifically that the "I" responds and then "she repeats" in the following stanza, I can assume that the "so sorry" is from the other person, but I think it could be a little clearer. I thought the last stanza was interesting. "It won't do to" feels more formal than the rest of the poem and I wonder why the speaker feels that way about saying that they miss this other person. With all that being said, I really enjoyed the imagery in the fourth stanza, especially, "Tiny pin marks
spread to form
delicate craters."The fourth stanza was fantastic. I had these same questions Lawrence. I was thrown off by the last two lines. I think the text-type layout is cool. I wonder what it would look like/be like to take the text messages out of italics and let the speaker's thoughts be italicized instead. I would also ditch the ellipsis unless you actually intend for that to appear in a text (unlikely) The first so sorry is confusing I think because it introduces a new stanza to I immediately assumed it would be a response until reading further. Why if it came in the middle of the thought: I tack the apology on:
So sorry. like a flyer to a bulletin,
stapled over and over.
Tiny pin marks
spread to form
delicate craters.
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Post by maranda on Jan 24, 2018 17:04:14 GMT
I love these sections below from both poems and would love to read something like this as mirror poems. Knowing they had plans, knowing the uncle is dying and that's what ruins the plans is important but I think that the line that makes me want to see a series of three poems "Sometimes you can’t emotionally support someone if there is another person in their life whose designated role is to do that." This line being included shows longing and possible envy or jealousy. I want that story and then the mirror poems.
It’s a line I walk. Sometimes you can’t emotionally support someone
if there is another person in their life whose designated role is to do that.
My mistakes are circular, an electron orbiting an atom.
I tack the apology on
like a flyer to a bulletin,
stapled over and over.
Tiny pin marks
spread to form
delicate craters.
I’ll feel the love later,
return the hugs in a
few months.
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 24, 2018 17:46:42 GMT
I love these sections below from both poems and would love to read something like this as mirror poems. Knowing they had plans, knowing the uncle is dying and that's what ruins the plans is important but I think that the line that makes me want to see a series of three poems "Sometimes you can’t emotionally support someone if there is another person in their life whose designated role is to do that." This line being included shows longing and possible envy or jealousy. I want that story and then the mirror poems. It’s a line I walk. Sometimes you can’t emotionally support someone if there is another person in their life whose designated role is to do that. My mistakes are circular, an electron orbiting an atom. I tack the apology on like a flyer to a bulletin, stapled over and over. Tiny pin marks spread to form delicate craters. I’ll feel the love later, return the hugs in a few months. I totally see what you're saying, and I love this idea. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 25, 2018 17:56:53 GMT
I love these sections below from both poems and would love to read something like this as mirror poems. Knowing they had plans, knowing the uncle is dying and that's what ruins the plans is important but I think that the line that makes me want to see a series of three poems "Sometimes you can’t emotionally support someone if there is another person in their life whose designated role is to do that." This line being included shows longing and possible envy or jealousy. I want that story and then the mirror poems. It’s a line I walk. Sometimes you can’t emotionally support someone if there is another person in their life whose designated role is to do that. My mistakes are circular, an electron orbiting an atom. I tack the apology on like a flyer to a bulletin, stapled over and over. Tiny pin marks spread to form delicate craters. I’ll feel the love later, return the hugs in a few months. The lines also tighten up visually here with this suggestion, keeping the reader in the moment rather than getting an exterior "So sorry." There's nothing in the language here that clues us in further to tone/voice that warrants its presence in the poem. Nice suggestion. |
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Post by osewupeju on Sept 15, 2019 10:07:44 GMT
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