down to earth revision

[chello]

        edit 1

down to earth

flitting around the edges
she is unclear/ where time ends
or begins or/ unwinds
to record itself

taking shallow breaths on the shore line
she rises water logged/ there's so much
she knows about drowning
without air/ each tiny alveoli
collapses inside her lungs/ scenting the air
around her mouth/ with wisteria

for a moment/ she catches a hint
of the lost child/ in a sliver/
an opening between/ spheres
in the flinch
of the wing/ of a bright yellow bird
flickering through her memory

down to earth she tumbles back
while above/ black legged kittiwakes fall
moving like angels/ making star shapes
and flowers/ in the atmosphere above her head
pulled from ocean cool breeze

spraying water as if she/ is the birth of venus
in her arms/ all her child’s waking moments
bright yellow bird in hand
singing/ heading skyward
swift departure/ floating home




edit 2

down to earth

flitting around the edges
blurring the line between
earth/ and sky
unclear/ where time ends
or begins or/ unwinds
to record itself
crisscrossing the thin vale
membrane of hope

taking small
shallow breaths on the shore line
wrenching moisture from lungs
spewing salty breath
water logged/ from the attempting
failing but still
there's so much
we know about drowning
without air/ each tiny alveoli
collapses/ scenting the air with wisteria

eyes still blurring from seawater
for a moment/ i thought i caught a hint
of you/ in a sliver/ opening between
spheres/ unable to distinguish
celestial being from sun
burning back the crusted film
that settled on my eyes when submerged
yet sure sign given/ in the flinch
of the wing/ of a bright yellow bird
flickering through my memory

down to earth you tumble
fast fleeting past me
a bright fascination/ subtle assurance
a mother’s damaged heart/ is not forgotten
while above/ black legged kittiwakes fall
moving like angels/ making star shapes
and flowers/ in the atmosphere above
cradled and reborn by waves
each grain of sand a hand/ i am
pulled from ocean cool breeze

spraying water
as if i/ am the vey birth of venus
dripping tiny shells
seaweed strung in hair
winged beings in attendance
in my arms all our waking moments
gathered from the ocean floor
bright yellow bird in hand
singing/ heading skyward
swift departure/ floating home




Edit 3

earthbound

flitting around edges
unclear/ where time ends
begins

shallow breaths on shore
drowning
without air/ each tiny alveoli
collapses/ wisteria scenting air

catching hint
of you/ in sliver opening between
spheres
bright yellow bird
flickering through memory

tumbling earthbound
kittiwakes fall
moving angels/ making shapes
in atmosphere
pulled from ocean breeze

emulating venus’ birth
arms filled with waking moments
bright yellow bird in hand
singing



edit 4 combined

down to earth

flitting around edges
blurring lines
earth/ sky
land/ sea
unclear/ where time ends
begins or/ unwinds
recording itself
she cross thin membrane

taking shallow breaths on shore
she rises water logged
wringing moisture
she knows about drowning
spewing salty breath
without air/ each tiny alveoli
collapsing her lungs/
wisteria scenting air
around her mouth
open/ rasping

seawater stinging eyes
momentarily/ catching hint
lost child/ in a sliver
opening between/ spheres
sun blurring
burning back film
merging celestial beings
wing flinch
of bright yellow bird
flickering through her memory

tumbling earthwards
fleeting past her
bright assurance
her heart to heal
above/ kittiwakes falling
moving angels shapes
in the atmosphere
wave cradled reborn
sand grains sifting
pulled from ocean breeze

spraying water
she is birth of venus
dripping shells
seaweed in hair
her arms sheltering/ child’s waking moments
gathered from ocean floor
bright yellow bird in hand
singing/ heading skyward
swift departure
floating home

[whoismisterjim]

Chello offers us a few options here. Which poem do you think is the most effective edition and how does that version achieve it?

[laurenjacquish]

I prefer edit 2 because we still get the moments/breaks that clarify the idea of the blurred lines Chello is navigating (this is broken up in the most visually obvious way in edit 4)

earth/ sky
land/ sea
unclear/ where time ends
begins or/ unwinds
recording itself
she cross thin membrane

But, there is more of a narrative and the language is developed enough to prevent this from being another ambiguous poem about blurred spaces in between (I feel like there are a lot of those?)

[lawrencemullen]

I think I prefer edit 4. I really enjoy the line breaks and I thought they were effective in moving the poem forward and flowed together nicely--except for in the second and third stanzas. The second and third stanzas read as little more hoppy to me, but I felt like it worked because those two stanzas focused alot on breathing and drowning.

[Kate Burnham]

This is so interesting. I feel like each of us will choose a different version. I am torn between edits 1 and 2. I like 1 for the POV shift to "she;" I think it is working from the third person perspective--it's a dramatic picture being painted, losing a child, drowning, being reborn from the sea as something Other. The imagery is very good. I also like that 1 is shorter but still gets most of the good information, the marrow of the poem across. Edit 2 has some lines that I would like to see stolen back and put into edit 1. For instance,

subtle assurance
a mother’s damaged heart

cradled and reborn by waves
each grain of sand a hand/ i am
pulled from ocean cool breeze

dripping tiny shells
seaweed strung in hair
winged beings in attendance
in my arms all our waking moments
gathered from the ocean floor
bright yellow bird in hand


I feel these sections are handled better in edit 2, while the other sections in edit 1 are well-edited and made concise. It is really cool that for those who rewrote the poem 2-4 different ways, this exercise has allowed them to create magic moments in each edit that could be recombined into a final edit that is pure magic, in a manner of speaking.

[chello]

Brielle and Kate thank you guys so much for comments. Kate your assessment is really helpful thank you!