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Post by Jai on Jan 23, 2018 2:54:28 GMT
Deja Vu: I Been Here Before
Eyes welled with tears,
spewing spit and raspberry.
Titties sagging with sweat
droplets in the crease of the fat folds
pointed downward. No words come to mind
just feeling and I feel my name sake—
clairvoyance.
I was never good at one night stands.
Revision
Deja Vu: We've Been here before
Our eyes whelped pink
and bloodshot. Tears,
spewing spit–titties sagging with sweat
droplets in the crease of the fat folds
pointed downward.
This was actualization of self.
No words come to mind, I think,
we thought.
His name was fruition,
mine clairvoyance.
I did not see him coming,
it hurt to watch him go.
His arms stretched wide and
over his ears to cover our shame
with a cotton/poly blend.
I remember our mother's curse–
the scar from fathers left night after night
after night until we grew inside of her belly.
We were never good at one night stands.
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 15:51:26 GMT
whelped?
This word doesn't make sense here. It seems more like a word someone says when they shrug their shoulders. Otherwise, the definition means to give birth or something. Is this referring to this adult being the child of a one night stand?
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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 24, 2018 21:11:47 GMT
whelped? This word doesn't make sense here. It seems more like a word someone says when they shrug their shoulders. Otherwise, the definition means to give birth or something. Is this referring to this adult being the child of a one night stand?I thought maybe that, or about a type of generational emotional pain around sex and its relationship with/in relationships ("our mother's curse"). I'm not sure how I feel about: "mine clairvoyance. I did not see him coming," I like the tension between "clairvoyance" and "I did not see him coming," but at the same time, they're such opposites that I don't know if I can fully see them integrated in with the rest of the poem. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 26, 2018 14:41:58 GMT
I'm not sure how I feel about: "mine clairvoyance. I did not see him coming," I like the tension between "clairvoyance" and "I did not see him coming," but at the same time, they're such opposites that I don't know if I can fully see them integrated in with the rest of the poem. Is the poem's lack of resolution between the two lines make their polarity stand out to the point of taking the reader out of the poem? Should there be a reconciliation of these lines within the poem's end? |
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Post by Jai on Jan 26, 2018 16:42:04 GMT
whelped? This word doesn't make sense here. It seems more like a word someone says when they shrug their shoulders. Otherwise, the definition means to give birth or something. Is this referring to this adult being the child of a one night stand?I was meaning the word welped or welled and I looked up the synonym ror swollen eyes and the spelling whelped came up. |
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Post by Jai on Jan 26, 2018 16:46:21 GMT
I'm not sure how I feel about: "mine clairvoyance. I did not see him coming," I like the tension between "clairvoyance" and "I did not see him coming," but at the same time, they're such opposites that I don't know if I can fully see them integrated in with the rest of the poem. Is the poem's lack of resolution between the two lines make their polarity stand out to the point of taking the reader out of the poem? Should there be a reconciliation of these lines within the poem's end? I'm not sure that there is a necessary resolution for two people who are experiencing a one night stand; on accident, if you will. The poem is intentional in that way. The singular poem, The "I" in the first draft is someone in a regretted circumstance. So either way, there is no palpable resolve beyond the reach of thinking the speaker will heal. |
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 28, 2018 18:14:27 GMT
I think the issue with "mine clairvoyance. I did not see him coming," does sound like they cancel each other out, but this can be fixed easily--"mine clairvoyance, yet I did not see him coming." I think these two lines are trying to convey the deja vu experience, but the contradiction was impeding that.
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