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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 23, 2018 1:37:16 GMT
1. Change the person/POV of your poem.
2. Create a rhyme scheme for your poem.
3. Count the number of lines in your poem, double it. Count the number of words in your poem, cut it in half.
title: city transplant
they finished
silent hill
so
thoughts
he gets the light
she can't
sub-par healing
a compression vest
i liked that men
were irrelevant
this passes
the bechdel test
there's
sirens/
the el/
cats/
silence/
white noise
she
remembers
jersey is a polluted
ocean of highways
she like venus
was birthed
from a shell
on an overcrowded
atlantic city
beach
no one
knows street signs
just
turn left at
the wawa
not that
wawa
the other
wawa
the new one
suburbia
is bland at best
suffocating
like being 8
getting dinner revoked
for getting less than
perfect on a test
like being 14
standing up for sisters
against the spit
shoves
of a narcissist
at worst
more i think
about it
this is
what i've wanted
job/
home/
person i love/
who loves me/
cats/
i think
i've got it
speaking
things
brings them
to your hands
tangibly
hold
consider
remember
you don't need
to continue
to suffocate
you're allowed
to love things
to think you've
got it.
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Post by Jai on Jan 23, 2018 15:08:21 GMT
I like the short lines in this poem.
I think in this revision we are a bit everywhere between Wawa and suburbia Wawa and conversations about a movie. I know that there is something I was missing personally. Therefore, I would suggest a more centralized idea. Keep the lines concise, flesh out one idea and then go from there. Great work!
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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 23, 2018 17:27:28 GMT
I like the short lines in this poem. I think in this revision we are a bit everywhere between Wawa and suburbia Wawa and conversations about a movie. I know that there is something I was missing personally. Therefore, I would suggest a more centralized idea. Keep the lines concise, flesh out one idea and then go from there. Great work! I definitely agree with having a more centralized idea. Re-reading it in this revised version, there's a lot of things happening and not enough words to be able to work with all of it. So yea it really does feel all over. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 23, 2018 17:37:56 GMT
I like the short lines in this poem. I think in this revision we are a bit everywhere between Wawa and suburbia Wawa and conversations about a movie. I know that there is something I was missing personally. Therefore, I would suggest a more centralized idea. Keep the lines concise, flesh out one idea and then go from there. Great work! I definitely agree with having a more centralized idea. Re-reading it in this revised version, there's a lot of things happening and not enough words to be able to work with all of it. So yea it really does feel all over. The limiting of word count also forces a narrowing of focus. Where should it go? What parts of the poem could be trimmed away? |
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Post by chello on Jan 23, 2018 23:46:10 GMT
so in answer to Prof. Warner, i think you could trim the first stanza and some at the end of the second stanza. the reference to age felt a little awkward and for me did help move the poem forward. i thought the third stanza was the strongest and was where i found the poem. by the way though i loved the Wawa reference it was very much a glimpse into urban suburbia.
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 15:22:40 GMT
so in answer to Prof. Warner, i think you could trim the first stanza and some at the end of the second stanza. the reference to age felt a little awkward and for me did help move the poem forward. i thought the third stanza was the strongest and was where i found the poem. by the way though i loved the Wawa reference it was very much a glimpse into urban suburbia. This is a good point Chello. I have to say, this is one of my favorite poems from Lawrence. It is so personal, but utilizes their skill at creating setting and calling attention to social/gender issues through a micro view of the place/time. |
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 28, 2018 18:05:59 GMT
This is one of those revision exercises that felt painful to be just in theory--double the lines, halve the words. I liked where you were going in the first version of this piece, and I think to make this revision work you could go back and be more lenient with what you cut and where you add more lines--the double and halving I think was too harsh on this poem, and so now you can go back and fine tune. I didn't want to lose the reference to the narcissist father, and some of the lines are just too short and comprised of only those "mingy" words professor Betts talked about last semester. In your first draft, those words did not feel as "mingy" as they do here when they are left so exposed on tiny little lines like these. You could even try tabbing some of these lines, especially the single word lines, to make them feel more connected to previous and following lines. Example:
i think
i've got it
speaking
things
brings them
to your hands
tangibly
hold
consider
remember
you don't need
to continue
to suffocate
you're allowed
to love things
to think you've
got it.
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