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Post by maranda on Jan 23, 2018 0:13:07 GMT
POV change we/us to they/their
Doubled lines, words cut in half. 38 to 19
About That Magic Connection
When fast-talking infatuation forces them to late-night tell
their last secrets, they search for new magicians in silence.
They spin their wedding bands with regret counter-clockwise,
but remakes are never as good as the real thing
Wedding bands spin counter-clockwise
new infatuation real as late-night regret.
Fast-talking magicians never tell their secrets.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 23, 2018 13:41:19 GMT
The pronoun change here could benefit from being just a third person shift and more specific identifiers. Thoughts?
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Post by maranda on Jan 23, 2018 14:04:19 GMT
The pronoun change here could benefit from being just a third person shift and more specific identifiers. Thoughts? As in they/their turns into specific characters? Yes I think That would be stronger. Is this what you mean? |
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Post by Jai on Jan 23, 2018 15:03:51 GMT
The pronoun change here could benefit from being just a third person shift and more specific identifiers. Thoughts? As in they/their turns into specific characters? Yes I think That would be stronger. Is this what you mean? I agree, I think identifying the they and their would answer any proceeding questions we might have as readers. |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 15:47:17 GMT
I like the play on magicians "never telling their secrets" but I want to see more of the trick they play or if the reversal of the connection is the trick, could their be a literal abracadabra moment?
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 28, 2018 21:35:13 GMT
The abracadabra moment... seems like it would be hard to explain writing in the micro like this. I like the edit. Even before it was cut in half. I would actually combine the two, and show the rewording as a kind of "abracadabra" incantation to make old stories new again--to show how humans are these weird little recordings of personalities set on rewind-repeat in certain ways. I don't know why this has been my idea reading all of these revisions--combine edits.
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