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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 21, 2018 21:56:05 GMT
Split-level Saturday
Mia bundles two of her younger kids
upstairs downstairs
I’m changing Gus’s clothes for the third time
packing snacks
threatening to cancel the day
we let it go on
drive almost fast
my sister drops my niece off at the rink
we rent skates
lace up and step onto the ice
Gus is the tiniest skater and my back is screaming
until we glide
I say to the girls, if you feel like you are falling bend your knees. Find your balance. We are all at different levels and we can help each other.
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Post by chello on Jan 22, 2018 18:19:02 GMT
Lauren i think this is such a lovely vignette into a day in the life of. i feel the busy of mom hood creating this lovely moments and memories for the children i love the last line i wonder what it would feel like if it were shaped into a stanza instead of a long line?
"I say to the girls, if you feel like you are falling bend your knees.
Find your balance. We are all at different levels and we can help each other."
either way i think its lovely.
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 18:31:10 GMT
Lauren i think this is such a lovely vignette into a day in the life of. i feel the busy of mom hood creating this lovely moments and memories for the children i love the last line i wonder what it would feel like if it were shaped into a stanza instead of a long line? "I say to the girls, if you feel like you are falling bend your knees. Find your balance. We are all at different levels and we can help each other." either way i think its lovely. Thank you for giving feedback on this one Chello. I really was stuck for a bit on this one. I like your suggestion a lot. You know, my niece and neighbor's daughter wanted to read it and my niece said, I like it but I think it jumps too quickly from me getting dropped off at the rink to skating, you need to say we stepped onto the ice or something. She then said she doesn't know how to write poetry and I was like, that was EXCELLENT advice you maniac! The self deprecation starts so young. She was very encouraging to Miriam and they insisted on a sleepover, trashed my house and went to the Doylestown women's march with us so I hope it was helpful to listen to some empowered WoC activists and students! |
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Post by chello on Jan 23, 2018 9:29:07 GMT
children are so wise! and yes self depreciation does start so young i'm glad they have you to help turn that around and encourage them to not be afraid of their own wisdom.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 25, 2018 0:08:47 GMT
Lauren, I agree with making the final long line a stanza, maybe tabbed. I also would hyphenate upstairs-downstairs. I totally understand that being tempted to "cancel the day." Mom's can RELATE.
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