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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 20, 2018 22:43:12 GMT
The Gym
Dark leather of the balance beams, softly-rough. Fine-grained sandpaper. The give of the spots on the spring floor where the foam layer disintegrated.
The hardness of the wood floor of the dance studio pressing into the sides of my knees, uncomfortable and satisfying in a familiar way. Six gymnasts connected themselves in a circle. Six heads tipped back, six backs arched, and a few feet shuffled to regain balance.
Mesh crash pads leaving imprinted check-marks on our cheeks when we lay down for someone to walk on our backs. Blue foam trapped in the sweat-curled, blonde waves at our hairlines.
Our dance teacher commanded notes over the music, and I could feel her instruction injected directly into my spine, the energizing sensation of a person wanting something from me. I fell in love with her in this room, for the time being.
On the very first day of class, I was not connected to any of it -- the music, the white walls, the paintings of dancers mirrored in the glass -- I didn’t feel any type of way, and I can’t remember what our instructor’s face looked like on this occasion.
But I remember what the air in the room felt like -- heavy, tired, lonely -- how it feels like history in my memory, papery and significant.
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The Gym
Jan 21, 2018 3:01:09 GMT
via mobile
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 21, 2018 3:01:09 GMT
The depth of detail in this wrornf exercise plays to qualities of a lyric memoir. What about the voice here delivers that emotional quality here?
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 26, 2018 20:32:55 GMT
I like how she takes her time with these lines. It almost doesn't feel like poetry, but it does.
The sound repetition going on just in the first line really does create a lyrical quality. There are certain things that take me out of this, however. For instance, while I often appreciate repetition, I am left wondering why the repetition of "six" is necessary. Because it's repeated three times, all I am left with is wondering if it is an unlucky number type of symbolism--6 6 6. Genevieve's advice to me from practicum is still echoing in my ears as I comment on everyone's work this week, and I'll pass it on again because I agreed with her. She said to avoid adverbs if at all possible, and instead search for that "perfect word" instead of turning to modifiers. Now I am noticing adverbs everywhere in my writing and everyone else's. So, I see "softly-rough," and I'm asking is there something that she can name that everyone will understand is "softly-rough" that will have a more visceral impact? Also, in the final line, I think Brielle can use stronger descriptors than "heavy, tired, lonely."
I'm also wondering what breaking these lines to make them shorter would do for the poem, maybe make it seem less like prose?
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