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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 20, 2018 5:03:30 GMT
Having to Give Reasons
A few reasons why I don’t strive for monetary or musical success are in jeopardy of being fossilized. They’re expressed in the shape of my hips; the way they turn in specifically. My follicles are graves in some places from years of plucking one by one and the whites of my nails rarely make an appearance. The only time I am always quiet is when I am doing it for somebody else. This #MeToo thing, this having a serial groper sign off on policies that directly impact my body (just having to listen to it), this family I have alerted and the votes they cast make me anti-victim. I’m a victim shamer! All those phony politicians asked, “What if it were your daughter?” are just like my own folks. It’s not that though. What if I were ever interviewed? When I am compelled/guilted into saying “me too,” I’m only telling one story and that one I still can’t name, no matter how much blood came out of me. I write murder ballads instead. No, the other me toos are never going in my memoirs. The other me toos make me responsible for someone else’s kids, my kin, their faith in family, and not to mention, it’s very inconvenient of me to disrupt holidays. The up side is, that if I am not trying, it really means I know I could do it, I could be somebody. That fear of success thing is some complicated shit.
I don't even know if this is a poem!
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 22, 2018 18:37:49 GMT
What cues you about this that would make you say it's not a poem?
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 22, 2018 18:38:31 GMT
That was a hella confusing question. Meant what cues lead you to think it's not a poem?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 18:41:40 GMT
That was a hella confusing question. Meant what cues lead you to think it's not a poem? Well, I don't think it is yet. I have never written about this before. I am curious about this paragraph format and if it is a rambling mess. I felt if I messed with the line breaks too much though, I wouldn't get out what I needed to say. |
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 22, 2018 18:44:53 GMT
That was a hella confusing question. Meant what cues lead you to think it's not a poem? Well, I don't think it is yet. I have never written about this before. I am curious about this paragraph format and if it is a rambling mess. I felt if I messed with the line breaks too much though, I wouldn't get out what I needed to say. The first few sentences read very poetically. That's why I asked. After that, it gets explain-y, but I don't think you have to mess with line breaks to make it a poem. |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 23, 2018 3:17:58 GMT
Well, I don't think it is yet. I have never written about this before. I am curious about this paragraph format and if it is a rambling mess. I felt if I messed with the line breaks too much though, I wouldn't get out what I needed to say. The first few sentences read very poetically. That's why I asked. After that, it gets explain-y, but I don't think you have to mess with line breaks to make it a poem. Yeah I felt like it was going there but I just let i happen without worrying about it this time. Maybe I will revise or maybe I will burn this and melt my computer and move into the forest which is what I felt like doing knowing this was on the inter web albeit a private corner... |
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 24, 2018 20:03:12 GMT
I would free this up with line breaks. This chunk makes breathing through the lines hard, unless you want the reader to run out of breath and feel the anxiety of that. Genevieve gave me some good advice yesterday, which I had already heard but had kind of let fall out of my head. She told me that when I start getting overly descriptive, explain-y, and throwing adverbs out left and right, I need to go back through and pare down and concentrate, finding the perfect words to describe things. Basically, in revision, she told me to compress the poem into a highly-potent, condensed version of what I had already written.
So here, I would cut things like "It's not that though," and "I'm a victim shamer!" and the repetition of "the other me too's." That being said, however, if you choose to keep these for the purpose of this sounding like a kind of panic attack, I would say reformat this to make it read fast, hyper. Shorten the lines significantly.
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