I think I've got a phobia

[sarahmay]

Three reasons why I am unreasonably afraid of getting pregnant

I write about births I’ve never had, kids I’ve not conceived, a job
I do not have and it’s because I fuck sometimes. I smother myself
in spermicide and condom every appendage on our bodies, but still
I fear I’m always with child. And maybe I am, perhaps I’m the child.

I’m in me and fearful of penises when the rush towards me in love
and in slurred nights. I don’t want to be known and told to breathe
with ice chips in my hand because I don’t want to be two people
nine months from now. I don’t want to have to answer the phone.

I tell the man in my bed we’re aborting and we haven't even kissed.
I am irrational, spectacularly sweating at the thought. I take a year
of celibacy every three to make sure my body knows I’m serious.
I’m afraid of getting pregnant because I don’t want anyone that close.

[chello]

wow this poem blew me away about fear of pregnancy hiding and masking the fear of true intimacy! brilliant miss Sarah May!

[Brielle Kroner]

Jan 20, 2018 7:10:38 GMT chello said:

wow this poem blew me away about fear of pregnancy hiding and masking the fear of true intimacy! brilliant miss Sarah May!

Agree. Intimacy struck me as the perfect hidden meaning. 

[Kate Burnham]

To me the three reasons are sort of lost in the whirlwind of description, until the end of the middle stanza. Are the three reasons: "I don't want to be known and told to breathe...," "I don't want to be two people," and "I don't want to have to answer the phone?"

I am not sure if having those three reasons clustered there in the middle of the poem is working, nor do I think they describe unreasonable fears, per se. 

I think the opening lines are interesting, coupled with the final speculation in the first stanza. 

Editing:

Comma after "a job I do not have." Em dash after "And maybe I am."

"I'm in me," reads awkwardly here, as does "penises." It should be "when they rush toward me." I would omit the "and" between "in love and in slurred nights;" trade it in for a comma. 

Other than these small, nit-picky things, I am invested in this poem. I feel like you could get even more specific, and I think you could ask us to make the leap into the rabbit hole with you due to that final line in the first stanza--"And maybe I am [with child], perhaps I'm the child." I love the way you delve into the psychological in your work. It seems to be one of the hallmarks of your style.