How to Online Date

[vanessa]

How to Online Date

Scroll through your camera roll.
Pick the photos you look least tired in.
Filters will hide the designer bags under your eyes.
Brainstorm your bio that only two people will fully read.
Open the App store on your phone, decide what you’re looking for.

If you’re a fan of swiping
and sex, Tinder’s your best bet.
Bios don’t matter much here.
Be funny. Be edgy. But don’t be honest.
Meet your soulmate you might--
Dave will have smoky eyes,
a chiseled jaw, voice that could calm
a rabid tiger. His hands and soul will be
cracked but his skilled tongue will lure you in
each night. You’ll deplete your tear ducts
when he ghosts you. A friend will later share
that he was just a walking STI.

If you enjoy eye-rolling
pick up lines, OkCupid is next.
Your About Me will read how
you’re a literary enthusiast.
Each morning you’ll wake
to an inbox full of those
mistaking Goliath for Gatsby.
But here Cupid will hook you up--
Bryan will win you with witticisms,
his fingers will hit your G-spot
in a pub parking lot. When it comes
to the naked act, he’ll finish
in five minutes. Try not to laugh.
He’ll get down on one knee four months later
to someone else. Half-erect penis pics
will still be in your messages.

If you’re nearly a crazy dog lady, Match is where it’s at.
You and your bank card will have to commit
to this final feat. Anxiety will taunt you when
no one replies back. Your finger will be hovering over
the Unsubscribe button when
Billy pops into your inbox.
His eyes won’t leave yours
while you feast on spinach and
artichoke dip. He’ll surprise you
with a date to Hillside Farms
because you once texted,
I love llamas and ice cream.
He and his whole family
will sit front row while you
beg Scrooge to forgive your debt.
He’ll make you his grandmother’s
famous meatballs, put aside
a portion of chocolate chip cookie dough
for you as he guides the others into the oven.
On Christmas Eve, he’ll ask you to move in.
Your things will be unpacked three months later.




**I know there are some cliched phrases. I'll edit them out later. It's a first draft. 

[maranda]

Bryan will win you with witticisms, <<<This is good. It also has some nice sounds.
his fingers will hit your G-spot
in a pub parking lot.

Try not to laugh. <<Deadpan is funny.

Your finger will be hovering over <<< Good image.
the Unsubscribe button when
Billy pops into your inbox.


He and his whole family 
will sit front row while you
beg Scrooge to forgive your debt<<<<<<<<<<<This is at once specific and vague, specific to you and the play you were in but I'm not sure it's specific enough for the readers to be able to make the leap and put themselves in your shoes and know what you're talking about. Maybe you could pick something more common that his family would attend?

Overall, I like where the draft is going, I won't lie because we get in the rhythm of bad online dating scenarios I almost want Billy to turn out to be shit head in the last stanza. I think it would be fun to have one more terrible experience in between stanza 3 and 4 and then there has to be some type of cue to the reader that as we enter Match and this is where we get the turn. Nice job making this exercise work towards your manuscript.

[whoismisterjim]

Do we need more bad examples here? Does Billy work as a resolution? If we think about humor and its pattern of three to twist and turn expectation, how would and where do you see the turn?

[laurenjacquish]

Be funny. Be edgy. But don’t be honest. >>>>>>I like the way this clip-y language related to the binary/simplicity of Tinder.

maybe omit: "nearly" in the 4th stanza

If there are more bad examples, then the stanzas could be condensed.

I think as far as the turn goes, I am not sure the humor is maintained in the last stanza, but that's ok. It's the last line that seems to need to be developed or just omitted. I think it shifts the attention away from dating/relationships. Unless I am reading it wrong,

[Brielle Kroner]

Filters will hide the designer bags under your eyes << this made me laugh.

[Brielle Kroner]

Jan 22, 2018 18:31:35 GMT Brielle Kroner said:

Filters will hide the designer bags under your eyes << this made me laugh.

I also don't think there are as many cliched statements as you think. or they are at least working in this particular poem.

[Kate Burnham]

Personally, the ending is too clean a resolution after such a humorous listing of dating nightmares. If you're going for fairytale ending, I'd say find a way to bring in the funny animal sidekicks that always accompany the Disney princess when she gets married.