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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 21:42:47 GMT
On the corners of my Philadelphia I am blackness
–the sound of fire hydrants, fire trucks and
da wooderice man. West Philadelphia gave birth
to bougie gang bangers and high class hoochie mamas–
these are my tribes men and women. Penny candy and
block parties in the summertime–racing down KK hill
past curfew. No one knows the mystery behind KK or the
hill. Soft shell blue crabs– the bushel.
We ate them on the outside because
mom mom hated the way they smelled and
poured bleach on the remains wrapped in newspaper
to keep the cats away. We fought hard in my Philadelphia.
One on one. Scraped knees and shot BB guns.
We rolled tea bags and smoked them.
Cool was overbook let out or the ball court
near Beeber annex. Everybody in the neighborhood
went to Mann, Beeber and the Overbook.
Everyone knew the candy man and the green lady.
Everyone partied on lemon hill.
Sup Mr. so and so,
Aunt what's her name.
This tribe is now gentrified with white meter and
brocaded stock exchange. No more
wooderice, Ms. Overbook, Turkey Bowl–
Sugar bowl. No more twenty five cent pretzels
and jump rope in the street.
And it's not the fault of the white man.
The college dorms or veggie marts–
The bombing on Osage.
These places plant a seed of happy on the
corner of my brokenness.
My Philadelphia.
My home
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Post by maranda on Jan 19, 2018 23:01:37 GMT
Hi Jai,
I just have a few quick comments, before my internet drops me lol. The sections I've pulled out below need to be elaborated on because they don't let us in. While these are thing I think people from your neighborhood would get and probably be excited that you had included them in a poem, my readers won't be from your neighborhood. Make me feel it bro! With a few nips I'm very interested in this poem!
No one knows the mystery behind KK or the <<<<what mystery?
We fought hard in my Philadelphia.<<< Show me how.
Cool was overbook let out or the ball court
near Beeber annex. Everybody in the neighborhood
went to Mann, Beeber and the Overbook. <<<<<<<<<<These places mean nothing to me, make them mean something.
the green lady. <<<<Everybody from your neighborhood, but I'm not from there so give me access and introduce me to candy man and green lady.
Everyone partied on lemon hill. <<<<why? And maybe a detail from the most memorable party there.
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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 19, 2018 23:35:02 GMT
I was cool with not knowing that mystery behind "KK/or the hill" mostly because it seemed to have the feeling of, passing down something where the origin is forgotten or no longer important because how it's used in the present is what matters. I do think a memory or additional line about the candy man, the green lady, and parties on lemon hill would definitely help flesh out those places and people to me, as so much of the poem is hyper specific, but still let's me in.
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Post by Jai on Jan 20, 2018 18:54:33 GMT
Hi Jai, I just have a few quick comments, before my internet drops me lol. The sections I've pulled out below need to be elaborated on because they don't let us in. While these are thing I think people from your neighborhood would get and probably be excited that you had included them in a poem, my readers won't be from your neighborhood. Make me feel it bro! With a few nips I'm very interested in this poem! No one knows the mystery behind KK or the <<<<what mystery? We fought hard in my Philadelphia.<<< Show me how. Cool was overbook let out or the ball court near Beeber annex. Everybody in the neighborhood went to Mann, Beeber and the Overbook. <<<<<<<<<<These places mean nothing to me, make them mean something. the green lady. <<<<Everybody from your neighborhood, but I'm not from there so give me access and introduce me to candy man and green lady. Everyone partied on lemon hill. <<<<why? And maybe a detail from the most memorable party there. Maranda, Thanks for the suggestions, I'll definitely consider this. I think in a revision one of the points I need to make is to hone in on the important parts and make them specific. I don't know how to answer a mystery that's remains mysterious.bi can, However, explain that it was a hill to ride our bikes down. I can cut the line we fought hard if people don't understand the literal fighting sense. Yes all of the schools were near one another. The schools were school that the entire community went too in keeping with the consistent theme of threaded community. In a revision I can see me fleshing out and paring lines down for clarification |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 25, 2018 1:54:11 GMT
And it's not the fault of the white man.>>>I wonder if this line is necessary. If so, Why not?
Name the fault. Is it passing time? Or just that things change?
Anyway, small detail.
I think this poem is pretty clean. I really enjoyed it. My criticism is in line with Lawrence's response to Maranda's.
Tiny edits: tribes men and women >>>tribesmen and women
the bushel.>>>I keep reading this by the bushel or the whole bushel
"I can cut the line we fought hard if people don't understand the literal fighting sense."
You show this in the following lines. I thought it was fine.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 26, 2018 13:51:50 GMT
Jai,
this poem made me wish I had connected better to Philadelphia while I was there, but I had a 10 month-old and a man in his seventies with me, so my excursion activities were limited. Maybe I should try to scrounge up the money for myself and a younger friend and my son to drive up and visit Glenside and Philly again, before Scotland.
My editing suggestions are to make sure your capitalizations and punctuation are consistent throughout. For instance, "Cool was the overbook," and then later you write, "Overbook." Other than just polishing this piece visually, I also think this poem is very clean. It draws me in.
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