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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 5:30:39 GMT
Deja Vu: I Been Here Before
Eyes welled with tears,
spewing spit and raspberry.
Titties sagging with sweat
droplets in the crease of the fat folds
pointed downward. No words come to mind,
just feeling and I feel my name sake—
clairvoyance.
I was never good at one night stands
so I juggle swords in an effort to break
the cycle.
Age, sex location.
Age, sex, location.
Age, sex...
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 19, 2018 13:17:08 GMT
How are the lines here a play on the "deja vu" cliche? In what ways would people suggest a play and inversion on the trope?
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 19, 2018 15:59:49 GMT
I like the repetition at the end that implies recognition of an experience, but deja vu is such a specific feeling. I want to ask how you can show the part of deja vu that doesn't remember doing something in the past yet recognizes it anyway.
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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 17:29:46 GMT
How are the lines here a play on the "deja vu" cliche? In what ways would people suggest a play and inversion on the trope? The lines explicate two things, physical and mental experience. The speaker recognizes their physical pity and emotional headspace (a place that is memorable for all people who have been taken to a dark space as a result of one thing or another). Then there is the one night stand. Obviously the speaker states that they've been there and the psychology of it is taxing, contributing to the speakers thought process. Therefore Deja Vu is at play |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 19, 2018 17:30:06 GMT
I like the repetition at the end that implies recognition of an experience, but deja vu is such a specific feeling. I want to ask how you can show the part of deja vu that doesn't remember doing something in the past yet recognizes it anyway.I actually think this is the most successful poem of these dailies from Jai this weak. I especially like the idea of "and I feel my name sake—" as being a form of having been there before or following in footsteps as a repetitive feeling. The repetition in the last lines works this way too. That said, Brielly makes a good point. It's that odd questioning, the eeriness of deja vu that is missing here. There is too much self awareness. ("clairvoyance" almost gets there...) |
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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 17:31:22 GMT
I like the repetition at the end that implies recognition of an experience, but deja vu is such a specific feeling. I want to ask how you can show the part of deja vu that doesn't remember doing something in the past yet recognizes it anyway. I would argue that because the speaker is in the present that the speaker recounts a past feeling in the present moment. The speaker, in the present refers to a past feeling to understand how and why they feel what they feel but realized the deja Vu moment after actualization. |
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 19, 2018 19:55:10 GMT
I see what Jai is saying, but I also agree with Brielle that what I think is missing here is a communication of the uncanny aspect of deja vu, that part of it that is eerie and makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. I have to say, you picked a difficult one to tackle, Jai. I don't even know how I would approach refreshing this cliche.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 19, 2018 19:57:27 GMT
Knowing me, I would do some lame reference to a glitch in the matrix or an MK Ultra acid flashback scenario meets some romantic encounter. And even those are becoming over-used references.
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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 20:55:16 GMT
I see what Jai is saying, but I also agree with Brielle that what I think is missing here is a communication of the uncanny aspect of deja vu, that part of it that is eerie and makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. I have to say, you picked a difficult one to tackle, Jai. I don't even know how I would approach refreshing this cliche. Hahaha Yes! This was definitely a tricky cliche because of it's many meanings or associations. Deja Vu can, in fact be a premonition or a past thing or headspace. It could also be a present feeling triggered by something that reminds you of another thing. In thinking about the one night stand, some times it is not always planned. Therefore, it could trigger any individual into that "woe is me" headspace, a familiar space but not a Deja Vu until self actualization. Therefore, one thing has to beget the other in some cases. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 19, 2018 20:56:26 GMT
It's that odd questioning, the eeriness of deja vu that is missing here. There is too much self awareness. ("clairvoyance" almost gets there...) Does anyone else see this "self-awareness" going on in the poem? What is the effect it leaves the reader with? |
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