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Post by sarahmay on Jan 19, 2018 1:50:43 GMT
I'm Falling Hard
Tumbling over my feet and my thousand tongues
that want to walk towards you, lick you up and down
Out of the great nowhere, I just tripped
on acid and other loves and now I'm feeling the goo
that us writers go on and on about
I'm liking it, I'm washing my face in it and feeling refreshed
sure, I'm scuffed from the torrential fall, but that skin was used anyways
I want a new flesh this year, one freshly born and bright pink
like meadows of pink flowers you've not given me yet
I want to fall down and down and I want you down there with me
in such a warm and tight spot that we are deemed unrecoverable
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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 5:34:34 GMT
Drawn in!!!!! This was awesome! I love the repetition of "down and down"
as well as the entire last two lines that, for me, snap shut and end this poem
strong.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 19, 2018 13:01:03 GMT
"on acid and other loves and now I'm feeling the goo/that us writers go on and on about" Drawing the eyes to "goo" with line length. How do we feel about the word choice?
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Post by maranda on Jan 19, 2018 13:14:42 GMT
"on acid and other loves and now I'm feeling the goo/that us writers go on and on about" Drawing the eyes to "goo" with line length. How do we feel about the word choice? I would tuck the goo into the next line. But, the actual line is talking about this feeling of love in a way that makes her awkwardness and probable previous annoyance towards the feeling clear. The word goo is offputting but feelings of love can be too. Maybe having it dangle out there on the end of the line is something Sarah did intentionally to emphasize the offputting/awkward feeling. Even if it was intentional my orderly brain says tuck it in and even up those lines. |
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 19, 2018 16:01:11 GMT
Drawn in!!!!! This was awesome! I love the repetition of "down and down" as well as the entire last two lines that, for me, snap shut and end this poem strong. hell. yes. |
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 19, 2018 16:02:23 GMT
"on acid and other loves and now I'm feeling the goo/that us writers go on and on about" Drawing the eyes to "goo" with line length. How do we feel about the word choice? I would like to see "goo" start the next line. I think it would create an anticipation of the next line, but then "goo" would be a surprising next word in a good way. |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 19, 2018 17:25:19 GMT
The "goo" reminds me of the "dip" in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I think it makes a strong image and evokes that (perhaps other cliché?) of turning to goo around someone. Or feeling weak in the knees maybe?
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Post by Jai on Jan 19, 2018 17:34:02 GMT
"on acid and other loves and now I'm feeling the goo/that us writers go on and on about" Drawing the eyes to "goo" with line length. How do we feel about the word choice? I would like to see "goo" start the next line. I think it would create an anticipation of the next line, but then "goo" would be a surprising next word in a good way. I agree. I like the idea of the word because it is not our typical phrasing used to describe love feelings. So I would bring it down to the next line and have it start the stanza |
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Post by chello on Jan 19, 2018 18:13:15 GMT
i'm loving this poem, the quirkiness and energy and the total idea of licking some one up and down. for the most part i really enjoyed the word choice with the exception of goo. i honestly had a hard time with that, maybe it is the placement, maybe moving it down and starting the next line with it but, i think it messes up the wonderful flow and takes (me) out of the poem and i don't want to be out of the poem. i think i would see if i could find another word even if Sarah made up a word that fit with everything else in the poem because it really is a fabulous poem.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 19, 2018 18:28:04 GMT
I'm agreeing with Maranda's take--tucking "the goo" into the next line. I just read this as a reference to Broken Social Scene's "Lover's Spit," which is the "goo." I love the idea that "falling hard" is kind of disgusting but unavoidably so. How did everyone read this in terms of reimagining the cliche of "falling hard?" I kind of read it as falling down a romantic/sexual rabbit hole.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 19, 2018 21:02:10 GMT
Again, good conversation happening here, but remember to keep expanding on the thread beyond agreement.
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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 19, 2018 23:15:29 GMT
The two stanzas:
"I'm liking it, I'm washing my face in it and feeling refreshed
sure, I'm scuffed from the torrential fall, but that skin was used anyways
I want a new flesh this year, one freshly born and bright pink
like meadows of pink flowers you've not given me yet"
felt the strongest in terms of bridging a connection between stanzas. The stanzas in general build off of each other, primarily the imagery. In these two stanzas the "new flesh" is implied with the, "skin was used anyways" in the previous line in a way that makes them feel like they belong in the same stanza, but are just different enough in idea that the two stanzas is best.
(sorry I used the word stanza alot)
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