Out with the old in with the new (untitled so far)

[laurenjacquish]

Great rasping doors open to a gathering crew
of elders, flaunting all the hoarded jewels of life.
Their eyes widen as Gladys wheels through the doors, 
suddenly dripping in pearls, pink and purple ice,
and heavy gold chains. She will be gone
from him−sixty years of steadfast devotion.
As the doors begin to close her out, old royalty
is welcoming. In the hallway her love watches,
extends his rawhide hands. Her eyes
glow like cataracts, yet there is no mistaking−
through the shrinking crack, in his hand,
a new one.

[Kate Burnham]

I feel like this could be contained in two lines--something about being laden with the hoarded jewels of life...

[whoismisterjim]

Jan 19, 2018 20:17:10 GMT Kate Burnham said:

I feel like this could be contained in two lines--something about being laden with the hoarded jewels of life...

How would you (meaning everyone) boil this down? Where would you choose to condense for revision? 

[Kate Burnham]

Something gets lost in the specifics of Gladys and the jewelry descriptions that isn’t reinforced with the ending. I was left scratching my head at the ending. This week’s assignment was really challenging for me in terms of understanding what everyone was writing about/expressing. Even trying to come up with my own spins, I literally felt stupid.

[laurenjacquish]

I guess it was weird to incorporate a bizarre dream I had after my Granny Pat died. My Grandfather called someone he went to middle school with and "found out she wasn't dead so he asked her to Bojangles" then they were "sweethearts." After a year or so she was tragically killed by a drunk driver. Then he started dating her 90 year old sister! I was imagining my grandmother seeing/predicting he would do this on her way out.

[Kate Burnham]

I think if you included more of that story, and used the cliche to introduce it, that might be interesting.