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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 18, 2018 18:45:25 GMT
title: genesis
in the beginning
kronos and choas
had their fight for who deserved what
but they both lost because
neither were entitled to shit
and their children inherited
high definition tvs
septa tokens
backlit keyboards
in the beginning
they forgot to sign up for triple play
so they took from the clay designed men below
forcing prometheus to steal back
verizon fios cables not fire
why would zeus care about that
a reliable connection is where it’s at
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 19, 2018 12:59:26 GMT
The play on technology is a solid play here but the second stanza is where the tone and elevated language start to really play together.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 19, 2018 20:10:05 GMT
This poem makes me think of the phrase "as above, so below," reversed.
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Post by chello on Jan 19, 2018 20:58:39 GMT
Kate it really does have that feel, to it. when the poem states
"kronos and choas
had their fight for who deserved what
but they both lost because
neither were entitled to shit
and their children inherited"
i also feel like we are those children not sure why?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 20, 2018 3:05:05 GMT
Oh man I had a whole post to this a long time ago that apparently didn't work before my cable got shut off. Trying to remember because I said something very similar to Prof. Warner. I was at first unsure if "not fire" was unnecessary. I really love the "verizon fios cables" as a replacement for fire. I think this is one of my favorite poems from you, probably because of the specificity of language and attention to detail. There is an easiness to the language, like you weren't stressing about it at all.
hypen? clay-designed
I am tempted to suggest that you drop the but/and in these lines:
had their fight for who deserved what
but they both lost because
and their children inherited
I am starting to learn that your style is more conversational though and maybe you don't need to gut the little words all the time. Something to consider. One question I had, is Genesis/in the beginning really a cliché? I was kind of thinking of it as a direct quote lolz.
Maybe Kate and Chello's suggestion about 'as above so below' could bring out some cool revisions going forward (for your Luna Luna submissions!) Nice work Lawrence.
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