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Post by shailen scott on Jan 18, 2018 15:47:45 GMT
Angry
bitter black
cunts can’t
distinguish
elitists
from fancy
garbage gorging gargantuan green.
Hallowed halls house/hide
infernos,
jackals,
knowing
lousy land lords loan,
Mary’s marrow, melanin, mouth
needing nickeled-nectar,
openly offering omnipotence,
powerful plays payed
quietly,
rendering righteousness ragged,
souls soiled,
time thundering through thickets to
understand
vagrant
wiles,
xenophobic
zoos.
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 18, 2018 15:53:36 GMT
Wow, this is like word salad! It's so cool that you kept every word in each line beginning with its corresponding letter. That said, I have no idea what's going on for most of this, but it's genuinely fun.
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Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 18, 2018 18:48:48 GMT
I really like the phrase "xenophobic zoos"--also "xenophobic" for "x" is rad
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 18, 2018 19:01:06 GMT
This poem starts off strong. Particularly,
Angry
bitter black
cunts can’t
distinguish
elitists
from fancy
garbage gorging gargantuan green.
I think the way you have allowed these lines to move as a single thought is really successful. The consonance becomes a bit overwhelming IMO going forward. Without being broken up by the single word lines, it would be too over the top.
From these lines:
Knowing
lousy land lords loan,
Mary’s marrow, melanin, mouth...
on, I think that the punctuation begins to get confusing along with the placement of "knowing" "needing" etc. There are a million commas from Hallowed to zoos! Break it up and decide what it is you really want to say in revision.
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Post by maranda on Jan 18, 2018 21:59:11 GMT
This poem starts off strong. Particularly, Angry bitter black cunts can’t distinguish elitists from fancy garbage gorging gargantuan green. I think the way you have allowed these lines to move as a single thought is really successful. The consonance becomes a bit overwhelming IMO going forward. Without being broken up by the single word lines, it would be too over the top. From these lines: Knowing lousy land lords loan, Mary’s marrow, melanin, mouth... on, I think that the punctuation begins to get confusing along with the placement of "knowing" "needing" etc. There are a million commas from Hallowed to zoos! Break it up and decide what it is you really want to say in revision. Angry bitter black cunts can’t distinguish elitists from fancy I thought this was strong too, as I went on I wanted this clarity to continue. I became confused about what was going on right after this. But this is a great start. Also, I know there is a comma in between but I think seeing the phrase melanin-mouth from someone in the future would be awesome. |
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 18, 2018 22:11:02 GMT
I like that the language becomes an overwhelming tornado of words. I was actually thinking that I wanted every line to have multiple words. It read like an incantation to me, and the title was perfect and simple. You have an idea behind this, a point, that is coming across more as a feeling than a narrative, but I think that if you revise this you can make the story come through more.
My favorite line is "garbage gorging gargantuan green," and I would hyphenate "garbage gorging." I would also shorten "powerful" to "power plays." I would like to see this revised, very much so. "Xenophobic zoos" is fricking amazing.
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Post by chello on Jan 19, 2018 1:25:16 GMT
wow i am just taking in with that beginning too i do get lost and in the middle but there are some great moments in there, this is super fabulous. i am with Kate with revision this is keeper.
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