Abcedarian Poem (This is a mess)

[Veronica]

27 Attempts to Understand and Define My Biological Grandfather 

Argyle wool sweater encasement 
Blue dipped eyes and always a worn smile, he is there: 
Cutting hallucinations with chains in the living room 
Daring ghosts to challenge a shotgun while driving 
Executing sinners with words drafted for school principals 
Fiscally impaired and mentally unstable 
Grandddad, gnawed by dopamine and glutamate daily 
Headed Gospel and amen 
Ignored prescription papers and lab coats 
Juggling months between sanity, psychosis, and lament. A 
kaleidoscope of brain transmitters that reflect sunlight but are in constant disarray. 
Loner. He spent most of his life a disease we tried to vaccinate. A 
Mouse who would not take the bait because it made him blind. 
None of us who share your last name understand how you spun around the world and back again. All the time 
Opposing natural orbits, stirring counter clockwise 
Pots of old ration tickets from the War, containers of office supplies stored 
Quietly beneath the floorboards just in case an apocalypse 
Rendered the whole world empty
Schizophrenia is a bitch like that.  
Tears through a complete puzzle, tossing cardboard pieces without strategy or reason 
Uses neurotransmitters to smatter brilliance and kindness into insecurities and wrath 
Visceral in attack, severing familial bonds. 
What we remember most about you are flying saucers and raspberries 
Xenial in nature, a bow drawn and aimed toward stratosphere 
You remained a firefly we could not jar. A
Zombie, unnamed, unaccounted for, walking glacial, and we ran. 

[laurenjacquish]

This was a really cool approach. I think it allowed you to bring in and focus on things that seem to have been bouncing around your head and poems. I am excited to see how wordy this is as compared to the poems you have shared so far. There is no hiding behind:

Opposing natural orbits, stirring counter clockwise
Pots of old ration tickets from the War, containers of office supplies stored
Quietly beneath the floorboards just in case an apocalypse
Rendered the whole world empty
Schizophrenia is a bitch like that.


You come right out and say it.

[Brielle Kroner]

This is so not a mess. Lauren is right that it is forward, and that's working really well in this poem. I love when you say "cutting hallucinations like chains in the living room" It's a really effective introduction to the psychosis/schizophrenia later on.

[lawrencemullen]

There's something really interesting about, "He spent most of his life a disease we tried to vaccinate," because you have this person who is dealing with something that everyone else has decided is so undesirable it's worth protecting oneself against, or even that it is "contagious" which is obviously not true. I did sort of also struggle with this phrase because you can't vaccinate or cure a mental illness (for the most part), so the analogy to a vaccine in that way wasn't working for me.

[laurenjacquish]

Jan 18, 2018 18:56:32 GMT lawrencemullen said:

There's something really interesting about, "He spent most of his life a disease we tried to vaccinate," because you have this person who is dealing with something that everyone else has decided is so undesirable it's worth protecting oneself against, or even that it is "contagious" which is obviously not true. I did sort of also struggle with this phrase because you can't vaccinate or cure a mental illness (for the most part), so the analogy to a vaccine in that way wasn't working for me.

That's an interesting point. I see the logic in questioning this metaphor, but I thought of it as they tried as a family to stop it from progressing or happening. Also, that he was defined as the disease and they tried to contain him. Maybe the wording could be clarified further to focus on the stress of the family. 
"we tried to" is too vague. 
A concrete example maybe?
The next line suggests he wouldn't take his medication, maybe felt he trusted his hallucinations more, that the meds were poison. This metaphor is stronger to me.

[lawrencemullen]

Oh okay, I was reading the "we" as like more collective "we" not the family specifically, but that would make more sense. But yes, I definitely see what you're saying with the mentions of medication, treatment, etc

[maranda]

Ignored prescription papers and lab coats
months between sanity, psychosis, and lament.

I enjoyed this section, this paints a strong picture of avoidance and emotional instability.

[Kate Burnham]

I really enjoyed how you reworked a previous workshop piece into this form, and it is WORKING. It's much clearer--the relationship with the grandfather--and you've included so many of the important details from the earlier piece and incorporated stronger images into a much more concise form. This is really NOT a mess, and the title is working, too. I would say work on the line breaks and how you want the alphabetization to play out and really polish this for your portfolio.