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Avery
Jan 18, 2018 4:23:33 GMT
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 18, 2018 4:23:33 GMT
Avery, I don’t know you but I feel the weight of you living in my child’s body. Your loss, our link− delineating you from other kids. Every Mother’s Day, my own face sours at your impending awareness. Grandparents dress you. They teach you how to remember, imagine her perfect joy; her sicknesses. I’m forever kicking against the pricks. Little comfort do I get from ministers’ self-indulgent dirges. No AL-ANONesque soul-savin’ farce of a funeral overrides the nuance of kissing her; paints her monochromatic. Quickening regret rains on my thoughts of you. Oh Avery, see? She was good. Tragic and all the other clichés, but unwavering in her loving. Vexing me is the inane wish that you knew us, could trade Xmas presents, go to the playground. You’re somewhere else though−ten minutes away. Zigzagging through my grief.
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Avery
Jan 18, 2018 13:57:09 GMT
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 18, 2018 13:57:09 GMT
Abcedarians force us to really consider the line look and its success (as it is with any form) is ultimately about the seamless quality the poem flows from the structure. It would be interesting to see this moved out of the form and see how the poem would look visually, with Avery as the direct address.
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Avery
Jan 18, 2018 15:21:36 GMT
Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 18, 2018 15:21:36 GMT
This reads really smoothly! Particularly this section:
"No AL-ANONesque soul-savin’ farce of a funeral overrides the nuance of kissing her; paints her monochromatic."
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Avery
Jan 20, 2018 13:50:17 GMT
Post by maranda on Jan 20, 2018 13:50:17 GMT
paints her monochromatic.
Zigzagging through my grief.
I like these lines. Were you able to disconnect easily and just do the assignment, not worry much about line breaks?
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Avery
Jan 20, 2018 21:53:13 GMT
via mobile
maranda likes this
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 20, 2018 21:53:13 GMT
paints her monochromatic. Zigzagging through my grief. I like these lines. Were you able to disconnect easily and just do the assignment, not worry much about line breaks? [br I just noticed some of my line breaks got messed up when I edited it on here. I didn’t focus too much on them except to give it a flow. Funeral wasn’t supposed to be floating alone. I wrote this quickly.
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Avery
Jan 21, 2018 0:40:28 GMT
Post by chello on Jan 21, 2018 0:40:28 GMT
Maranda i really like those lines as well, i'm also drawn to the lines " feel the weight of you living in my child’s body. " i find that really beautiful.
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Avery
Jan 22, 2018 5:21:04 GMT
Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 22, 2018 5:21:04 GMT
I'm a little confused about who this Avery is in relation to the speaker and their child, and that is really my only hang-up with this piece. Yay for bible versus that are forever to be associated with Johnny Cash--"kicking against the pricks" is an expression I rarely hear or read, but I love it.
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Avery
Jan 22, 2018 7:21:22 GMT
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 7:21:22 GMT
I'm a little confused about who this Avery is in relation to the speaker and their child, and that is really my only hang-up with this piece. Yay for bible versus that are forever to be associated with Johnny Cash--"kicking against the pricks" is an expression I rarely hear or read, but I love it. Avery is the son of my deceased best friend/former lover. She overdosed before I got to meet him. I write about her a lot. Yeah, I love that expression...I think of the Nick Cave album though.
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Avery
Jan 22, 2018 7:23:20 GMT
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 7:23:20 GMT
Oh yeah, and she lived 15 minutes away apparently...I changed it to ten for the sake of the poem/rhythm.
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Avery
Sept 25, 2020 0:25:48 GMT
Post by Gabrieltrege on Sept 25, 2020 0:25:48 GMT
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