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Post by Jai on Jan 17, 2018 23:16:23 GMT
Dear Me
Angry. I was angry when I met you,
because I'd forgotten how to give second
chances. You were consistent–
dressed yourself in the finest intention.
Eager.
Fatherless.
Genuine and how? You ain't never knew love.
Hate crawled beneath your skin somewhere between
injustice and simply being born a black man from the south.
Joy ain't never dropped jaws—
king so i–
Learned to love the brand of person you portrayed
making me inauthentic in my own self
not knowing if I'd pass by a mirror and scream
out because i do not know who I am.
Pressure played a role in this too love,
questioned existence, I did do, and it was a
rite of passage, a fucking state of mind
stopping you from seeing your own footprints on the side of mine.
Thank you for loving me like you do–
Unapologetic.
Varying in weight from blow to blow and you
wonder why I would distance myself
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Post by Jai on Jan 17, 2018 23:46:04 GMT
Personally while this is a draft of something I'd like to see in a different kind of poem, like a list or something epigraphed, I do like the exercise nevertheless
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 18, 2018 0:00:02 GMT
I feel the same way. I went for a topic I've been meaning to write, but feel like it would work better in a different form. You did a good job of working within the form regardless. I like the lines "hate crawled beneath your skin" and "learned to love the brand of person you portrayed."
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Post by Jai on Jan 18, 2018 0:31:25 GMT
I feel the same way. I went for a topic I've been meaning to write, but feel like it would work better in a different form. You did a good job of working within the form regardless. I like the lines "hate crawled beneath your skin" and "learned to love the brand of person you portrayed." I really tried!!! And the more I wrote I heard this monologue which did not help because this is poetry class!!! Hahaha but I would like to retry this exercise in a list form, I think. I would charge myself to look for stronger words that depict one specific thing. |
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Post by chello on Jan 18, 2018 0:48:46 GMT
to me this reads as one of the stronger poems you've written.
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Post by Jai on Jan 18, 2018 1:18:40 GMT
Thanks Chello!
I definitely struggled with this one and it is a draft but I would love to see this poem different.
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Post by sarahmay on Jan 18, 2018 1:42:45 GMT
"Eager.
Fatherless.
Genuine and how?" This rhythm is really nice! It shows contrast in personality in five words which is a feat! and it questions the making of a person in such a quick succession. Really nice lines here.
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Post by Jai on Jan 18, 2018 6:17:22 GMT
"Eager. Fatherless. Genuine and how?" This rhythm is really nice! It shows contrast in personality in five words which is a feat! and it questions the making of a person in such a quick succession. Really nice lines here. Thanks Sara! |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 18, 2018 6:50:09 GMT
Yes, I also enjoyed the lines others have posted. I do think though, that it make a turn for the run-on that could be broken up in a more effective way:
Pressure played a role in this too love,
questioned existence, I did do, and it was a
rite of passage, a fucking state of mind
stopping you from seeing your own footprints on the side of mine.
Keep working with this one. It's so hard to pump these out in a day sheesh! It's fun to see the prompts work on your style because we all seem to be taking chances now that there is less time to stress.
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Post by Jai on Jan 18, 2018 14:55:52 GMT
Yes, I also enjoyed the lines others have posted. I do think though, that it make a turn for the run-on that could be broken up in a more effective way: Pressure played a role in this too love, questioned existence, I did do, and it was a rite of passage, a fucking state of mind stopping you from seeing your own footprints on the side of mine. Keep working with this one. It's so hard to pump these out in a day sheesh! It's fun to see the prompts work on your style because we all seem to be taking chances now that there is less time to stress. I agree! and I am definitely going to rework some of these and submit them for workshops moving forward! Thanks Lauren |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 18, 2018 16:20:51 GMT
Excellent discussion going on in this thread. Addressing specifics of the poem is what I want to see here this semester. Keep up the good work.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 19, 2018 18:08:26 GMT
Does "Dear Me" indicate that the poem is basically a letter to the Self? I read it that way, but I wanted to be sure.
The strongest lines for me were:
Learned to love the brand of person you portrayed
making me inauthentic in my own self
not knowing if I'd pass by a mirror and scream
out because i do not know who I am.
Thank you for loving me like you do–
Unapologetic.
These lines stuck with me the most. They're weighty, philosophically speaking, and I love that in poetry (sometimes I hate it, but not here). If you rework this out of form, I can easily see how changing breaks and line lengths will give this piece more urgency and punch in the read-through. This has similar qualities to your "Black Boy Be" poem, to me, in terms of the tone and apt simplicity of the lines. You are making things come across using economy of words, and I have a problem with that, so I always admire it/appreciate it when I see it.
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