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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 17, 2018 21:32:30 GMT
Yikes, this was hard. I like this poem but might rework it out of the abecedarian form eventually.
Giving Up
Arden loved her too. Beautiful human, she said. Oh, Cortie, you are a blessing. We drove ourselves mad, enabling each other and foraging around for solidarity.
Give up, handle my knowledge wisely, I would not.
Just as we formed this bond knitted from shared tragedy, she lifted the blooming veil from her eyes and masked herself instead in noise, jilting the serenity we shared.
Omniscience was never the goal, possession never on my mind, but, quavering and hardened, Arden rejected the woman we could not keep.
Sound and fury settle around her name. There is no reason that I can see underlying why Arden should not vie for the mutual closeness we, Cortie and I, have. But she didn’t try.
Xолодно, shiver in her heart. I yearn for a true kindred spirit, zephyr to a whirlwind.
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My ABC's
Jan 18, 2018 0:48:55 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jai on Jan 18, 2018 0:48:55 GMT
Ok I see what you were saying, I would definitely like to see the lines tighter and with more meat stuff (fleshed out).
I needed to do the same thing with this exercise
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Post by sarahmay on Jan 18, 2018 1:44:34 GMT
"hardened, Arden"-- such a clever rhyme. It's interesting that at the end of everyones poems, the last three lines either goes to a different language or an undefined large word because those letters are so difficult. This is why I don't play scrabble.
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My ABC's
Jan 18, 2018 6:19:25 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jai on Jan 18, 2018 6:19:25 GMT
"hardened, Arden"-- such a clever rhyme. It's interesting that at the end of everyones poems, the last three lines either goes to a different language or an undefined large word because those letters are so difficult. This is why I don't play scrabble. Yes! Haha I was trying to find xyz words but I said nahh....I even considered putting them in the title. Here, I think Brielle worked these letters in well
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 18, 2018 6:47:02 GMT
I so appreciate how you reworked something you were fond of to this prompt and I think it worked. There is less ambiguity in this poem than the one I recall. I really like the simplicity that came out in some of the lines: Give up, handle my knowledge wisely, I would not.
You chose brief phrases that struck to the point, though I admit it is still a bit of a riddle.
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My ABC's
Jan 18, 2018 12:06:20 GMT
via mobile
Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 18, 2018 12:06:20 GMT
I so appreciate how you reworked something you were fond of to this prompt and I think it worked. There is less ambiguity in this poem than the one I recall. I really like the simplicity that came out in some of the lines: Give up, handle my knowledge wisely, I would not. You chose brief phrases that struck to the point, though I admit it is still a bit of a riddle. I actually haven’t reworked this from another poem, so I’m curious which one you are thinking of. But I’m glad you think it’s clearer than some of my other work.
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 18, 2018 19:22:53 GMT
I guess because "Cortie" appears and I thought the were some familiar word combos. masked herself, jilting the serenity we shared...
Guess your style is coming through! I'm getting to know Cortie.
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Post by maranda on Jan 18, 2018 21:41:40 GMT
Brielle,
Sorry, my brain is sleep-starved and I've lost some details, are the characters people from a book, people you've invented or people from your life?
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 19, 2018 15:45:47 GMT
Brielle, Sorry, my brain is sleep-starved and I've lost some details, are the characters people from a book, people you've invented or people from your life? They are generally people from my life. I'm sort of going for a series of poems that build on each other.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 19, 2018 17:46:47 GMT
Is the X a Russian word, Cyrillic? Or another language that uses that alphabet? What is the word? I love the use of a second language. And I agree with Lauren that your style is coming through and becoming sharper/more defined as your images and narratives become more concrete and accessible. Nice work on this, and I think it's a keeper to continue crafting.
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 19, 2018 18:33:51 GMT
Is the X a Russian word, Cyrillic? Or another language that uses that alphabet? What is the word? I love the use of a second language. And I agree with Lauren that your style is coming through and becoming sharper/more defined as your images and narratives become more concrete and accessible. Nice work on this, and I think it's a keeper to continue crafting. It is Russian! It means "cold." Pronounced "kholodna"
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Post by maranda on Jan 20, 2018 13:56:27 GMT
Brielle, Sorry, my brain is sleep-starved and I've lost some details, are the characters people from a book, people you've invented or people from your life? They are generally people from my life. I'm sort of going for a series of poems that build on each other. Do you think you might break in the story when a new character comes in and write introductory poems for them or do you think you'll just let the characters pop up where they do in the story and readers will get pieces over time?
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Post by chello on Jan 20, 2018 16:13:59 GMT
this is cool how you bring these characters back, i though i recognized the names. i really love that first stanza "beautiful human".
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