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Post by Veronica on Jan 17, 2018 4:41:38 GMT
The Habit That Makes You Overeat Clawed to the edge of the dining room chair with my big toe, a bird picking ruefully at snacks while standing. There is no time for indulgence or masticating pizza and french fries. According to my mother, weighing 160 at 5’3” has no room left to enjoy meals. Proper silverware: knife in right hand, fork in left are the trophies for the ones who pick salad instead of soup. Eating for pleasure, without plastic, is reserved for those with shoelace waists, who sit for meals with the same straight-sad backs as people in pews praying for the dead. furthermore.equinox.com/articles/2017/11/snack?prtcid=CNN-january&utm_source=CNN-january&utm_medium=partnership&utm_campaign=CNN-january |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 17, 2018 7:04:55 GMT
I love when you write micro Veronica.
The first two lines are a bit muddy as a fragment. I'm trying to picture, is it the "I" who is bird-like?
"has no room left"-->the wording here is a bit off.
"are the trophies for the ones"-->repetition of "the" weakens this line.
It was really cool to see this perspective given to a study. Nice!
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 17, 2018 16:03:35 GMT
This is an interesting snapshot of a scene. I would be curious to see what this would look like in the third person rather than first.
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Post by Brielle Kroner on Jan 17, 2018 23:07:22 GMT
I love how you transformed this article, and made it personal. "who sit for meals with the same straight-sad backs as people in pews praying for the dead" is killer. Something about "straight-sad" is playful and devastating, and I'm a fiend for that combo.
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Post by maranda on Jan 18, 2018 0:00:14 GMT
trophies for the ones who pick salad instead of soup. < I love this idea. I like that you don't have to call the mother a bitch or explain her stance, moments like this almost feel like the mother's words repeating in the mind. Nice job.
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Post by chello on Jan 18, 2018 0:28:30 GMT
i agree with what's being said. i feel like this has the bones(haha) to be a really successful poem. i am curious as well to see a version in third person to see what that will sound and read. Brielle, i to love the transformation of the article into this poem without losing the article is really cool. i love that first image of a big fat bird standing on the table picking through food with it's over developed large toe claw! and Maranda I'm with this idea especially how the mother figure was handled. and i love the last two lines "Eating for pleasure, without plastic, is reserved for those with shoelace waists,
who sit for meals with the same straight-sad backs as people in pews praying for the dead." really nice!
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 18, 2018 4:29:55 GMT
Chello your description of the toe-claw made that line speak to me more!
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Post by vanessa on Jan 20, 2018 16:12:56 GMT
trophies for the ones who pick salad instead of soup. < I love this idea. I like that you don't have to call the mother a bitch or explain her stance, moments like this almost feel like the mother's words repeating in the mind. Nice job. Agreed. |
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Post by Veronica on Jan 21, 2018 1:29:33 GMT
Thanks everyone! I have already started playing with the POV and taken out a few of the small words =)
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 22, 2018 4:12:24 GMT
The Habit That Makes You Overeat Clawed to the edge of the dining room chair with my big toe, a bird picking ruefully at snacks while standing. There is no time for indulgence or masticating pizza and french fries. According to my mother, weighing 160 at 5’3” has no room left to enjoy meals. Proper silverware: knife in right hand, fork in left are the trophies for the ones who pick salad instead of soup. Eating for pleasure, without plastic, is reserved for those with shoelace waists, who sit for meals with the same straight-sad backs as people in pews praying for the dead. furthermore.equinox.com/articles/2017/11/snack?prtcid=CNN-january&utm_source=CNN-january&utm_medium=partnership&utm_campaign=CNN-january Since you are writing in micro, I would suggest paring down all the words you can get away with trimming. For instance, you could cut all of the "to be" verbs--"no time for masticating pizza and french fries," and "trophies for those who pick salad instead of soup." If you decide to really revise this, I would actually expand it, though. I kind of want this poem to either make me hungry or sick to my stomach/triggered. |
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