|
|
Post by lawrencemullen on Jan 17, 2018 0:57:02 GMT
title: Murder Suspect Told Cops Slain UPenn Student Kissed Himwhen they say come out of the closet it's almost always to be put back in a box in someone else's closet cause we're so much fun to hit on but god forbid we stay nearly consistently by your side no you have your girlfriend so we become promises of silence a dozen promises not to tell anyone buried in a shallow box stabbed sorry slabbed on the top shelf nypost.com/2018/01/16/murder-suspect-told-cops-penn-student-kissed-him/
|
|
|
|
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 17, 2018 4:36:28 GMT
WTF. I didn't see this. I'm glad you broached it.
With such limited real estate, maybe some of the lines could be more succinct. Could this poem benefit from a different POV? Legit asking others. I do appreciate the use of "us" because it humanizes Blaze and welcomes him into a community/support even though it's too late.
But just as an example,
Come out of the closet.
Get into a box.
I won't apply that to all the lines obviously. Just putting that out there.
little notes:
The word "dozen" doesn't seem necessary.
"it's almost always to be put back in a box
in someone else's closet" I would drop the word back because it jumps from closet to box. This idea of being the victim of someone else's shame is so poignant.
"nearly consistently" the double adverb here is too much.
|
|
|
|
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 17, 2018 16:21:23 GMT
WTF. I didn't see this. I'm glad you broached it. With such limited real estate, maybe some of the lines could be more succinct. Could this poem benefit from a different POV? Legit asking others. I do appreciate the use of "us" because it humanizes Blaze and welcomes him into a community/support even though it's too late. But just as an example, Come out of the closet. Get into a box. I won't apply that to all the lines obviously. Just putting that out there. little notes: The word "dozen" doesn't seem necessary. "it's almost always to be put back in a box in someone else's closet" I would drop the word back because it jumps from closet to box. This idea of being the victim of someone else's shame is so poignant. "nearly consistently" the double adverb here is too much. I think there are a few choices that can be made in terms of movement and structure here, and more investment in POV could help solidify the perspective of the voice in the poem. If the poem is looking to stay within the context of the UPenn story then some more details would also help in relation to the overall arc as well. |
|
|
|
Post by maranda on Jan 17, 2018 22:04:26 GMT
This poem is super vague. I don't know who the voice belongs to, there aren't any details to grab on to. Commit to a POV and I would say specifics would bring this a long way in arc or message. I did enjoy
"sorry slabbed"
|
|
|
|
Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 22, 2018 4:42:16 GMT
I was actually a bit confused with how to read "sorry slabbed"--do I read it as "sorry, slabbed" or "sorry-slabbed?" Does that make sense?
|
|
|
|
Post by fufemeixuco on Jul 20, 2019 6:53:51 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by oricehu on Jul 20, 2019 8:53:29 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by arugiyit on Aug 30, 2019 10:04:14 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by ufsabeugusr on Aug 30, 2019 11:22:59 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by ekixuodovu on Nov 2, 2019 2:34:05 GMT
|
|
