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Post by Veronica on Jan 22, 2018 13:24:24 GMT
She Persisted
Black pigment
scratches an anatomical skull
into the nape of Lottie's neck.
Rounded angles shift
lines into cranium and mandible.
Charcoal space fills left eye socket
A daffodil spills from the right,
yellow 65 petals.
***
Gypsies
with cascading cyan skirts
open-toe espadrilles
twirl west to east
sing songs to break sound barriers
say Earth is coated in phoenix feathers
and people are bats
trapeizing against physics
waiting for the sun to melt.
***
Lottie pays 350
for a tattoo she cannot see
without a mirror.
She understands that
an extinguished candle
is easy to relight and
bruises are only temporary.
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Post by shailen scott on Jan 22, 2018 15:56:05 GMT
I'm not sure what all I want to comment on, but I will say I enjoy reading this. The images are what make this poem. While reading, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be pulling from this poem (which I'm usually cool with,but I feel like I'm supposed to get something because of the title and closing lines). Though I like the image, I'm still trying to understand
"say Earth is coated in phoenix feathers
and people are bats
trapeizing against physics
waiting for the sun to melt."
Is this somehow related to the last days or is it just some song, and is this line supposed to relate to the candle image at the end?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 16:09:54 GMT
Little edits:
"yellow 65 petals">>>>>65 yellow petals (unless there is some reason for this to be reversed?)
Put a $ sign in front of 350. My brain wants to anyway so it reads strange and disrupts the flow without it IMO.
Content:
The second section uses strong concrete language. It works to create movement that follows the content well.
I have to admit I am not sure what is going on in this poem. I am only really making the connection between daffodils being hardy, persistent, also referred to as Narcissus (gypsy queen). "cyan" is a nice word, but I saw the daffodils continued in this section and was thrown off when the color didn't match.
The last two lines of the poem seem to break from the voice of the rest of the poem. They are also bordering on cliché.
These are my favorite lines:
sing songs to break sound barriers
say Earth is coated in phoenix feathers
and people are bats
trapeizing against physics
waiting for the sun to melt.
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 16:29:28 GMT
Yes Shailen, I had trouble with the phoenix feathers. I contrasted them with the bats, which I saw as following the idea of persisting/rising "against physics." It's interesting that you don't see the phoenix rise, that the feathers are remaining. I was trying to figure this out and can't stop thinking about Harry Potter wands. "sun to melt" an interesting way to suggest the sunset.
Without mention of Lottie in the second stanza, I am lost as to how they are connected.
The first stanza is the tattoo.
The second>>connection to Romani
Third>>>symbolism of the tattoo to Lottie?
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 22, 2018 16:48:30 GMT
"say Earth is coated in phoenix feathers and people are bats trapeizing against physics waiting for the sun to melt." Is this somehow related to the last days or is it just some song, and is this line supposed to relate to the candle image at the end? If this a song reference, how does not knowing the song affect your reading of the line? |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 18:23:38 GMT
I want to know if it is or at least know why it isn't in quotes. Not knowing is a little distracting, but not to the point that I didn't really enjoy the lines and the rhythm.
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Post by vanessa on Jan 22, 2018 21:19:22 GMT
I'm assuming the title is referencing the quote from Senator McConnell back in 2017, " Nevertheless, she persisted." about Senator Elizabeth Warren? Wikipedia explains it better, "Feminists and supporters of Senator Warren immediately adopted as a rallying cry the three-word sentence, "Nevertheless, she persisted."[11][12] It has been referenced with hashtags such as "#Shepersisted", and "#LetLizspeak", and it has been called a "hashtag-ready motto for women at the ready to break barriers".[5] According to BuzzFeedNews, the quotation was shared on social media along with pictures of strong women 'who refused to be silenced'." Also, after this incident, thousands of people--mainly women--got this phrase as a tattoo ( CNN article here). These are immediate jumps for me. However, the poem doesn't do more than just describe the tattoo. From the last sentence, we know that Lottie has some sort of bruise, but that's it. We have no other insight into this. Is the tattoo supposed to be covering the place where the temporary bruise is? Is that why the bruise isn't mentioned until the end? There's very obviously an event or incident that occurred for Lottie to have gone and gotten this tattoo. But I have no idea what happened. With a title like "She persisted" and what it means in 2018, we need more. From the phoenix references, I'm guessing that this is supposed to be a kind of "rebirth-ing" for Lottie when she gets this tattoo, a new beginning. |
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Post by vanessa on Jan 22, 2018 21:23:32 GMT
Little edits: "yellow 65 petals">>>>>65 yellow petals (unless there is some reason for this to be reversed?) I assumed it was referring to a specific hue of yellow, yellow 65. |
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 23, 2018 3:02:39 GMT
Yeah I got the McConnell reference lol. yellow 65 makes sense in terms of ink. It was just weird followed by petals when I first read it.
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 23, 2018 3:09:07 GMT
I agree there needs to be more connection between the title and the bruises or trauma that she persisted in spite of. A little more detail in those lines as well as more of a connection to the second section would answer many of the questions we have I think.
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Post by shailen scott on Jan 23, 2018 22:40:44 GMT
"say Earth is coated in phoenix feathers and people are bats trapeizing against physics waiting for the sun to melt." Is this somehow related to the last days or is it just some song, and is this line supposed to relate to the candle image at the end? If this a song reference, how does not knowing the song affect your reading of the line? I was assuming that it wasn't a real song and that if it was, it was one that gypsies normally sing. If it was a song, knowing where it came from might help me understand how this section ties in. However, I don't think that knowledge would have a great effect on my understanding. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 24, 2018 13:06:37 GMT
Are the section breaks working here? I know that there's been discussion to elaborating throughout, but to the movements, themselves work? Why or why not?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 14:55:05 GMT
Are the section breaks working here? I know that there's been discussion to elaborating throughout, but to the movements, themselves work? Why or why not? I think the section breaks are a bit jarring. With smoother transitions between the sections, I don't see why they need to be broken up so severely unless there is a sharp disconnect or a vignette-type situation. If this is a tattoo that many people have variations of, could each section be underscoring a different reasoning behind the choice or reason for relating to the symbolism in the tattoo? If the second section is a way to show spiritual or cultural relevance in this choice, then I think it would benefit the poem to integrate the Romani imagery. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 26, 2018 14:59:24 GMT
Shailen, I see you liked Lauren's comment on the section breaks. What are your thoughts on the breaks? If you're agreeing with Lauren, what specific suggestions would you provide for making the breaks more effective?
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Post by shailen scott on Jan 26, 2018 18:58:47 GMT
Shailen, I see you liked Lauren's comment on the section breaks. What are your thoughts on the breaks? If you're agreeing with Lauren, what specific suggestions would you provide for making the breaks more effective? I'm agreeing with the statement that breaks are jarring. For me, they leave me confused as to how each section connects and I'm not sure how the serve the poems purpose. |
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