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Post by Veronica on Jan 22, 2018 13:04:23 GMT
Cruising
Sinatra claims he’s got the world on a string while driving down Route 35. It was olive green, the Jeep, our capsule. I as captain, you my first mate Dad, extra cargo in the back. You just sat there, reading the paper While my right foot balanced its mass against the pedal. Take your time. We have nowhere to be. We aren’t holding anyone up. It was my third driving lesson. Mom had tried to rip the steering wheel from my hand, spoon fed me her panic. Dad had taken me down the parkway in the practice coupe they bought me. You said I needed real practice in a real car Something bigger. You called it a lesson in life handling. You know, I haven’t driven a Jeep since? Since the very vehicle I learned to drive in took you from me. Since I wore the black dress with white embroidered rose buds. Since I learned to take a moment, break, instead of rushing to the end of the mile.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 22, 2018 15:11:30 GMT
What do we think of the repetition of "Since" near the poem's close? Is this pattern (and the shift which begins with "break") effective in its location within the poem? Why or why not?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 22, 2018 16:39:24 GMT
It think it works. The mood is more reflective in the beginning and middle of the poem, but then, following what really happens when you reflect on something that reminds you of a trauma, the repetition of since enhances the stress of the thought process. I think visually, "break" might work well indented even indent the whole "since" section of the end and let the break be a return to the reflection shown in the rest of the poem. (if that makes any sense) I don't know, maybe that is a weird suggestion looking at it. The repletion of "since" might be more effective if Veronica omits the repletion of "You" prior. Just say, "I haven't driven a jeep since."
You called it a lesson in life handling. I haven’t driven a Jeep since. Since the very vehicle I learned to drive in took you from me. Since I wore the black dress with white embroidered rose buds. Since I learned to take a moment, break, instead of rushing to the end of the mile.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 22, 2018 16:46:22 GMT
It think it works. The mood is more reflective in the beginning and middle of the poem, but then, following what really happens when you reflect on something that reminds you of a trauma, the repetition of since enhances the stress of the thought process. I think visually, "break" might work well indented even indent the whole "since" section of the end and let the break be a return to the reflection shown in the rest of the poem. (if that makes any sense) I don't know, maybe that is a weird suggestion looking at it. The repletion of "since" might be more effective if Veronica omits the repletion of "You" prior. Just say, "I haven't driven a jeep since." You called it a lesson in life handling. I haven’t driven a Jeep since. Since the very vehicle I learned to drive in took you from me. Since I wore the black dress with white embroidered rose buds. Since I learned to take a moment, break, instead of rushing to the end of the mile. Lauren, you make an interesting point here about "since" in your suggestion. What's everyone else's thought?
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Post by vanessa on Jan 22, 2018 21:29:56 GMT
It think it works. The mood is more reflective in the beginning and middle of the poem, but then, following what really happens when you reflect on something that reminds you of a trauma, the repetition of since enhances the stress of the thought process. I think visually, "break" might work well indented even indent the whole "since" section of the end and let the break be a return to the reflection shown in the rest of the poem. (if that makes any sense) I don't know, maybe that is a weird suggestion looking at it. The repletion of "since" might be more effective if Veronica omits the repletion of "You" prior. Just say, "I haven't driven a jeep since." You called it a lesson in life handling. I haven’t driven a Jeep since. Since the very vehicle I learned to drive in took you from me. Since I wore the black dress with white embroidered rose buds. Since I learned to take a moment, break, instead of rushing to the end of the mile. Lauren, you make an interesting point here about "since" in your suggestion. What's everyone else's thought? I agree that a formatting change would make the repetition of "since" here more effective. Lauren has a good suggestion. However, I feel like the poem isn't finished once I read "instead of rushing to the end of the mile." There were nice images in the beginning and the reminiscing as well, but I really felt the momentum of the poem when we get to the above section. I think Veronica has more she'd like to say here, but just hasn't put it down on paper yet. I'm feeling cheated a bit on the end. It's a great draft of a poem, and my advice is for Veronica to flush this poem out even more.
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Post by vanessa on Jan 22, 2018 21:36:57 GMT
I have some small suggestions:
It was olive green, the Jeep, our capsule. >> this order of words is awkward to me. I'd like for it to read, "Our capsule, the Jeep, was olive green" but that's just a personal preference.
You just sat there, reading the paper >>make this more specific. Was he reading the New York Time? a local newspaper? a specific section? News, Editorial, Humor? It'll give more insight into the "he" character
You said I needed real practice in a real car
Something bigger. >> we have italicized quotes from the "you" in the beginning of the poem. I suggest making these italics/dialog as well. It'll show more than tell for us.
You called it a lesson in life handling. >> possible title instead of Cruising?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 23, 2018 3:22:08 GMT
I have some small suggestions: It was olive green, the Jeep, our capsule. >> this order of words is awkward to me. I'd like for it to read, "Our capsule, the Jeep, was olive green" but that's just a personal preference.You just sat there, reading the paper >> make this more specific. Was he reading the New York Time? a local newspaper? a specific section? News, Editorial, Humor? It'll give more insight into the "he" characterYou said I needed real practice in a real car Something bigger. >> we have italicized quotes from the "you" in the beginning of the poem. I suggest making these italics/dialog as well. It'll show more than tell for us. You called it a lesson in life handling. >> possible title instead of Cruising?
or "Our capsule--an olive green Jeep." Vanessa gives some solid edit suggestions here about how to bring more insight into the characters. Sharing more about the you who is lost will make the loss have more weight. I also think the title suggestion Vanessa gave would be cool.
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Post by vanessa on Jan 23, 2018 4:19:46 GMT
I have some small suggestions: It was olive green, the Jeep, our capsule. >> this order of words is awkward to me. I'd like for it to read, "Our capsule, the Jeep, was olive green" but that's just a personal preference.You just sat there, reading the paper >> make this more specific. Was he reading the New York Time? a local newspaper? a specific section? News, Editorial, Humor? It'll give more insight into the "he" characterYou said I needed real practice in a real car Something bigger. >> we have italicized quotes from the "you" in the beginning of the poem. I suggest making these italics/dialog as well. It'll show more than tell for us. You called it a lesson in life handling. >> possible title instead of Cruising?
or "Our capsule--an olive green Jeep." This works too! Just up to Veronica how she wants to edit we’ve given her a few ideas for this part.
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Cruising
Jan 23, 2018 4:23:46 GMT
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Post by vanessa on Jan 23, 2018 4:23:46 GMT
I have some small suggestions: It was olive green, the Jeep, our capsule. >> this order of words is awkward to me. I'd like for it to read, "Our capsule, the Jeep, was olive green" but that's just a personal preference.You just sat there, reading the paper >> make this more specific. Was he reading the New York Time? a local newspaper? a specific section? News, Editorial, Humor? It'll give more insight into the "he" characterYou said I needed real practice in a real car Something bigger. >> we have italicized quotes from the "you" in the beginning of the poem. I suggest making these italics/dialog as well. It'll show more than tell for us. You called it a lesson in life handling. >> possible titleSharing more about the you who is lost will make the loss have more weight. Yes, agreed. We have a few snippets of this person’s personality but they are never explicitly identified. As a stand alone piece, this person should be named—whether t be their actual name or just relation to the speaker—it would help readers with an “in” into the poem. In a collection of poetry, Veronica can organize the poems so that we have a piece or two that precede this poem, where the “you” won’t need to be identified. what does everyone else think?
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Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 23, 2018 4:34:39 GMT
I think names are important. I probably use them too much, but there is something about giving away that information--even if it is a made up name--that shows the reader you trust them. That is a good idea about how this could work in manuscript. I think there are a few that would lead well into this.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 23, 2018 13:05:55 GMT
This is excellent discussion and we're getting into specifics here. Lauren brings up an interesting point about names and naming. What does everyone think about name usage in this poem?
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Post by shailen scott on Jan 23, 2018 22:59:06 GMT
I might be biased, but I'm not a fan of naming names in this poem though the "you" seems hyper specific. I like the use of "Dad", it's as if the speaker is having a conversation with her father and kind of reminds of the video game Life is Strange: Before the Storm. It would feel weird to name people in this poem.
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Cruising
Jan 24, 2018 12:43:52 GMT
via mobile
Post by vanessa on Jan 24, 2018 12:43:52 GMT
I might be biased, but I'm not a fan of naming names in this poem though the "you" seems hyper specific. I like the use of "Dad", it's as if the speaker is having a conversation with her father and kind of reminds of the video game Life is Strange: Before the Storm. It would feel weird to name people in this poem. But “Dad” and “Mom” are named?? If the parents are named, I think the “You” should be identified as well, since the “You” is the crux of this piece.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 24, 2018 13:01:06 GMT
I might be biased, but I'm not a fan of naming names in this poem though the "you" seems hyper specific. I like the use of "Dad", it's as if the speaker is having a conversation with her father and kind of reminds of the video game Life is Strange: Before the Storm. It would feel weird to name people in this poem. But “Dad” and “Mom” are named?? If the parents are named, I think the “You” should be identified as well, since the “You” is the crux of this piece. What is the other effect of the second person in a poem?
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 24, 2018 13:02:21 GMT
What about the visual look of the poem? Is it working? Do you have any suggestions to augment the look?
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