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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 21, 2018 17:45:05 GMT
Sell Me Something Else
Electric,
visually dynamic
billboard at the edge
of my town,
bought and paid
for by a local
jeweler,
displays a
pair of four-carat
diamond cluster
earrings
and the caption
reads:
Wife Insurance.
Should someone
graffiti over it,
paint a visually
realistic mural
of a giant cock
with peachy,
furry balls,
glans dripping
liquid gold?
The girth and length
filling the billboard,
satisfying empty
space,
and the caption
could read:
God Is Not Dead.
This billboard
would be as equally
offensive,
sexually divisive
and painful to look at.
That billboard
makes me want
to beat in
the faces of
those who
created it.
It’s a commandment
on display
bidding me
to do violence,
to hate myself
and my own
species.
How many diamonds
does it take
to turn out
the lights in the
human
brain?
Are we magpies
or philosophers?
Can we eat rocks
or solid ore?
Every time
I pass that billboard
I need to know
what life is like
for any animal
other than a human.
I want to die
naked and afraid,
and come back
as something
that lives
at the bottom
of the sea,
where flashy lights
advertise death
as death—if you
follow the bright,
shiny things
you’re going
to get eaten.
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Post by sarahmay on Jan 22, 2018 15:47:43 GMT
I really enjoy the content and the underlying idea of this poem. I think the form is a little strange and long for a piece about billboards, it is a bit phallic, but there are a lot of small words in this poem, that I don't know if this form is the best option for highlighting this images.
Language I think is effective:
"Electric,
visually dynamic
billboard at the edge
of my town,"
"of a giant cock
with peachy,
furry balls,
glans dripping (maybe just say, "the head dripping" instead of "glans", it sounds very anatomical instead of dick on a billboard)
liquid gold?
The girth and length
filling the billboard,
satisfying empty"
Places where I think the language could be condensed a bit:
"makes me want
to beat in
the faces of
those who
created it. " Could be "I want to slit executive throats" or something with more punchy words.
"How many diamonds
does it take
to turn out
the lights in the
human
brain?
Are we magpies
or philosophers?
Can we eat rocks
or solid ore?" I like the sentiment and the strangeness of this section, but I think trimming the "or"s from the questions might aid in the pace: "are we magpies? philosophers? Can we eat solid ore? rocks?"
"I need to know
what life is like
for any animal
other than a human." This is really wordy and I think could be condensed.
The beginning, end, and penis stanza are the strongest sections to me, I think the form loses the reader a bit with the small words and the small space for them to occur. I suggest bringing the form into a bit longer lines, and cutting some of the smaller words. Use periods, be choppy, be angry!
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 22, 2018 16:50:46 GMT
The beginning, end, and penis stanza are the strongest sections to me, I think the form loses the reader a bit with the small words and the small space for them to occur. I suggest bringing the form into a bit longer lines, and cutting some of the smaller words. Use periods, be choppy, be angry! Does the line length here not do enough to establish abrupt pacing? What does everyone else think? |
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Post by Jai on Jan 23, 2018 15:45:55 GMT
The beginning, end, and penis stanza are the strongest sections to me, I think the form loses the reader a bit with the small words and the small space for them to occur. I suggest bringing the form into a bit longer lines, and cutting some of the smaller words. Use periods, be choppy, be angry! Does the line length here not do enough to establish abrupt pacing? What does everyone else think? I think the line length establishes abrupt pacing because go from diamonds and shiny things in the middle of the poem to following them and then ...Boom you die. So the poem snap close really well. My concern is that the poem is lengthy. I wonder if we need all of these lines to say what is being said in lines 1-3 and of course with different phrasing or having played with the lines. I think the idea of offensive billboards is clear but do we arrive to that point sooner (or is it just me)?
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 24, 2018 13:13:33 GMT
Does the line length here not do enough to establish abrupt pacing? What does everyone else think? My concern is that the poem is lengthy. I wonder if we need all of these lines to say what is being said in lines 1-3 and of course with
different phrasing or having played with the lines.
What would that pare down look like, then? Specifically, what lines would you suggest be cut? Sarah, do you agree that the poem is too long? |
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Post by sarahmay on Jan 24, 2018 22:06:13 GMT
My concern is that the poem is lengthy. I wonder if we need all of these lines to say what is being said in lines 1-3 and of course with
different phrasing or having played with the lines.
What would that pare down look like, then? Specifically, what lines would you suggest be cut? Sarah, do you agree that the poem is too long? I think the line length disrupts the pacing, but I don't think the entirety of the poem is too long, no. If I were to reformat it, it would look like this: Sell Me Something Else Electric, visually dynamic billboard at the edge of my town, bought and paid for by a local jeweler, displays a pair of four-carat diamond cluster earrings and the caption reads: Wife Insurance. Should someone graffiti over it, paint a visually realistic mural of a giant cock with peach y, furry balls, glans dripping liquid gold? The girth and length filling the billboard, satisfying empty space, and the caption could read: God Is Not Dead. This billboard would be as equally offensive, sexually divisive and painful to look at. That billboard makes me want to beat in the faces of those who created it. It’s a commandment on display bidding me to do violence, to hate myself and my own species. How many diamonds does it take to turn out the lights in the human brain? Are we magpies? Philosophers? Can we eat rocks? Solid ore? Every time I pass that billboard I need to know what life is like for any animal other than a human. I want to die naked and afraid, and come back as something that lives at the bottom of the sea, where flashy lights advertise death as death—if you follow the bright, shiny things you’re going to get eaten. |
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Post by Jai on Jan 25, 2018 2:03:13 GMT
What would that pare down look like, then? Specifically, what lines would you suggest be cut? Sarah, do you agree that the poem is too long? I think the line length disrupts the pacing, but I don't think the entirety of the poem is too long, no. If I were to reformat it, it would look like this: Sell Me Something Else Electric, visually dynamic billboard at the edge of my town, bought and paid for by a local jeweler, displays a pair of four-carat diamond cluster earrings and the caption reads: Wife Insurance. Should someone graffiti over it, paint a visually realistic mural of a giant cock with peach y, furry balls, glans dripping liquid gold? The girth and length filling the billboard, satisfying empty space, and the caption could read: God Is Not Dead. This billboard would be as equally offensive, sexually divisive and painful to look at. That billboard makes me want to beat in the faces of those who created it. It’s a commandment on display bidding me to do violence, to hate myself and my own species. How many diamonds does it take to turn out the lights in the human brain? Are we magpies? Philosophers? Can we eat rocks? Solid ore? Every time I pass that billboard I need to know what life is like for any animal other than a human. I want to die naked and afraid, and come back as something that lives at the bottom of the sea, where flashy lights advertise death as death—if you follow the bright, shiny things you’re going to get eaten. I really like this revision. It reads compact but even more to the point. I think reformatting is what this poem might have been suffering from. With the lines more compact, I appreciate the cutting of the S and hanging Y sounds. |
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 25, 2018 15:30:42 GMT
What about these two stanas:
This billboard
would be as equally
offensive,
sexually divisive
and painful to look at.
That billboard
makes me want
to beat in
the faces of
those who
created it.
It’s a commandment
on display
bidding me
to do violence,
to hate myself
and my own
species.
How many diamonds
does it take
to turn out
the lights in the
human
brain?
Are we magpies
or philosophers?
Can we eat rocks
or solid ore?
What should be boiled down here? Are the rhetorical questions at the core of this section? Should they be?
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 26, 2018 20:53:55 GMT
Thank you for the feedback!
I like the advice to use longer lines, and the way Sarah spaced out the rhetorical questions was nice, makes them seem less annoying, haha! I will defend my use of the word "glans" instead of "head," because I think it is creepier. I think I can completely cut the "this billboard makes me want to beat in the faces..." stanza. I can condense and rely on showing more and explaining less. Any other shout outs? Thank you!
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Post by sarahmay on Jan 26, 2018 21:32:18 GMT
I still like the anger that is evoked in the "beat in the faces" line, if you could slip that rage somewhere else in the poem, I think that would be very effective.
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 26, 2018 22:09:29 GMT
Agreed, the anger does need to come through. Every time I pass that fucking billboard going into town, I vomit in my mouth a little. Since we had the snow storm it stopped working, and so my commute into town has been slightly less stressful because I don't have to see it. LOL!
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 27, 2018 14:25:25 GMT
Any additional specific questions for the readers, Kate?
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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 27, 2018 15:53:06 GMT
I don't believe I have any further questions. Just thinking about revisions at this point.
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