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Post by Kate Burnham on Jan 26, 2018 21:24:57 GMT
The description in this poem makes me think of a Grateful Dead tour poster, or something like that. The gypsies, the skull and flower, the phoenix feathers, they all point me in that direction. But yes, the title makes me think of the "Nevertheless, she persisted." I definitely vote for giving more context in this poem, and I think the abrupt breaks either need to be done away with or reinforced by giving the reader more to digest in each of the three segments. More needs to be explained about the bruises and the significance of the tattoo. Otherwise, you might be left with readers like me who read this and go off on a tangent about the Grateful Dead.
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 27, 2018 14:10:48 GMT
Shailen, I see you liked Lauren's comment on the section breaks. What are your thoughts on the breaks? If you're agreeing with Lauren, what specific suggestions would you provide for making the breaks more effective? I'm agreeing with the statement that breaks are jarring. For me, they leave me confused as to how each section connects and I'm not sure how the serve the poems purpose. Can you offer a suggestion that would make the breaks serve a stronger purpose?
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Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 29, 2018 14:42:41 GMT
When we think about section breaks in poems, we are typically dealing with shifts that dictate clear and distinct beginnings and ends that aren't happening with just stanzas. A shift in time, a shift in POV, a wholly different image that is being yoked to the poem in a way that we need space for the reader to breathe and consider before moving on. In this poem, the rationale for the shifts aren't quite clear, and as a result, the sections actually halt momentum rather than accent the pacing. As has been pointed out, there could be softer transitions made or images carried through that could give a sense of the seamless, but I would argue that there's not enough context yet to give an arc. The title hints at an overcoming, but what is that stake for the reader? The images need an anchor, and it could be the title, but not without more specific detail.
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