|
Cruising
Jan 24, 2018 13:53:53 GMT
via mobile
Post by vanessa on Jan 24, 2018 13:53:53 GMT
But “Dad” and “Mom” are named?? If the parents are named, I think the “You” should be identified as well, since the “You” is the crux of this piece. What is the other effect of the second person in a poem? Well, it can make readers think that the speaker/poet is addressing them directly versus a third person.
|
|
|
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 15:08:39 GMT
What is the other effect of the second person in a poem? Well, it can make readers think that the speaker/poet is addressing them directly versus a third person. Dad had taken me down the parkway in the practice coupe they bought me. You said I needed real practice in a real car Something bigger. I think it is clear that the you is not the reader in this case. However, I am rereading these lines and noticing that the relationship to the "you" becomes unclear. Family is the focus, so is the "you" another family member? Is this poem about a sibling or uncle? Or a partner? I recall the beautiful poem Veronica wrote that spoke about a shadow of a person walking up a stairway into the sky. She saw this in this Jeep. If this is in a collection, and (I can't recall if this person was given more specificity as far as relationship goes in the poem I am remembering) this particular poem follows one where we have more insight into their relationship, then I agree with Shalien that a name is unnecessary. Even saying: "You, said...--always contrary, my only uncle " would be a way to emphasize the loss without distracting with a name like "Dave" or whatever. (Obviously, I am making up the relationship and the personality trait based on the information given. This is of course personal to Veronica and it's her choice what and how to divulge context clues.)
|
|
|
Post by shailen scott on Jan 24, 2018 15:10:45 GMT
I might be biased, but I'm not a fan of naming names in this poem though the "you" seems hyper specific. I like the use of "Dad", it's as if the speaker is having a conversation with her father and kind of reminds of the video game Life is Strange: Before the Storm. It would feel weird to name people in this poem. But “Dad” and “Mom” are named?? If the parents are named, I think the “You” should be identified as well, since the “You” is the crux of this piece. Bruh, I'm stupid. I just realized that the "you" wasn't her dad. Either way, I'm left assuming that "you" is a family member or friend. I still don't think you needs to be named if she's reminding the person of what happened. Maybe if the POV shifted I'd want to know the name, but for now, I'm okay with the mystery "you".
|
|
|
Post by laurenjacquish on Jan 24, 2018 15:17:58 GMT
What about the visual look of the poem? Is it working? Do you have any suggestions to augment the look? I love this poem. I wish there was more breathing room in it though. We are talking about a series of lessons that brought the speaker to this more positive experience learning to drive. The italics are an opportunity for that breath. This is the voice of the person we know is killed in this Jeep at a later time. But the end of the poem, we understand why these simple words that relax the driver are so important. Maybe indenting them or giving them their own stanza would set them apart from the stress of the other diving lessons. One more question: What does it mean for the speaker that they have never driven a Jeep since? What does that say about "life handling" and the current state of the speaker? How can the end of the poem sharpen this change in them? Perhaps another stanza, as was suggested, could build on the idea of "learning" some more.
|
|
|
Cruising
Jan 24, 2018 16:21:13 GMT
via mobile
Post by vanessa on Jan 24, 2018 16:21:13 GMT
Well, it can make readers think that the speaker/poet is addressing them directly versus a third person. Dad had taken me down the parkway in the practice coupe they bought me. You said I needed real practice in a real car Something bigger. I think it is clear that the you is not the reader in this case. .) I never said that it wasn’t clear in this particular poem that the You isn’t the reader. However, Jim’s question was broad and for all poems, and my statement still applies in other cases.
|
|
|
Cruising
Jan 24, 2018 16:24:10 GMT
via mobile
Post by vanessa on Jan 24, 2018 16:24:10 GMT
]However, I am rereading these lines and noticing that the relationship to the "you" becomes unclear. Family is the focus, so is the "you" another family member? Is this poem about a sibling or uncle? Or a partner? I recall the beautiful poem Veronica wrote that spoke about a shadow of a person walking up a stairway into the sky. She saw this in this Jeep. If this is in a collection, and (I can't recall if this person was given more specificity as far as relationship goes in the poem I am remembering) this particular poem follows one where we have more insight into their relationship, then I agree with Shalien that a name is unnecessary. Even saying: "You, said...--always contrary, my only uncle " would be a way to emphasize the loss without distracting with a name like "Dave" or whatever. (Obviously, I am making up the relationship and the personality trait based on the information given. This is of course personal to Veronica and it's her choice what and how to divulge context clues.) [/quote]
I like the suggestion for the subtle reference to “you” and what their relationship Is to the speaker. It doesn’t have to be a blatant reference, as lauren points out.
|
|
|
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 25, 2018 15:52:06 GMT
If this is in a collection, and (I can't recall if this person was given more specificity as far as relationship goes in the poem I am remembering) this particular poem follows one where we have more insight into their relationship, then I agree with Shalien that a name is unnecessary. Even if this poem is part of a larger collection, we still need to establish enough context within the poem itself in this setting to stand alone. Are there other ways, besides the direct address, that we can get to the nature of the relationship across? Do we need some more time clues and cues here? If so where would they go?
|
|
|
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 25, 2018 15:52:47 GMT
Also, this is an excellent discussion going on here. The interplay is exactly what I am looking for from these workshops.
|
|
|
Post by shailen scott on Jan 26, 2018 18:40:09 GMT
If this is in a collection, and (I can't recall if this person was given more specificity as far as relationship goes in the poem I am remembering) this particular poem follows one where we have more insight into their relationship, then I agree with Shalien that a name is unnecessary. Even if this poem is part of a larger collection, we still need to establish enough context within the poem itself in this setting to stand alone. Are there other ways, besides the direct address, that we can get to the nature of the relationship across? Do we need some more time clues and cues here? If so where would they go? It might help to add more description of the "you" in this piece, adding something key that gives the reader an idea of who "you" is. Maybe if new more about how the speaker and the "you" interact, we wouldn't be confused about "you".
|
|
|
Post by whoismisterjim on Jan 27, 2018 14:13:32 GMT
Even if this poem is part of a larger collection, we still need to establish enough context within the poem itself in this setting to stand alone. Are there other ways, besides the direct address, that we can get to the nature of the relationship across? Do we need some more time clues and cues here? If so where would they go? It might help to add more description of the "you" in this piece, adding something key that gives the reader an idea of who "you" is. Maybe if new more about how the speaker and the "you" interact, we wouldn't be confused about "you". The interaction between the speaker and "you" may help clarify the relationship between the two. Veronica, do you have any questions for your workshoppers?
|
|